Putting the Social in Social Network: Facebook Thanksgiving

I am aware that there are issues with Facebook. I try to stay out of the political kerfuffles, and I am freaked out when the item I just bought at the store appears in my feed. I wish that Facebook would do a better job of upholding reasonable standards of accuracy.  

But that isn’t why I am on Facebook or Instagram. That isn’t how I use it.

I am there because I love thinking of you! I want to hear about your life. I am delighted to see your posts and photos because they remind me of you. It really is that simple.

Some people talk about the massive time-wasting potential of Facebook, and I am certainly guilty of avoiding productive work by scrolling through my feed. Yet, I leave that experience feeling good. Someone has a new job. Someone’s child did something cute. Someone is having a great time on vacation. Someone posted a funny meme.

It almost doesn’t matter what you post because the words and images bring you to my mind, and that is why I am there. Even when your post is not all sun and rainbows.

Sometimes, Facebook posts help us help each other. Sometimes they are calls for support. I have learned about sad events and funerals I needed to attend through Facebook. I have been able to be a voice in the chorus of support through Facebook. I have been able to reach out through Facebook.

I understand that we get bent out of shape about far more consequential issues. They are important. We need to address them. We must examine all information, on and offline, through a critical lens. We must hold each other and our communication vehicles responsible.

But my Facebook use does not have that kind of weight. I'm here to wish people a happy birthday. I'm here because, as I have written many times before, I'm not good at letting go. The information on Facebook gives me a momentary glimpse into the lives of my former students, colleagues, friends, relatives, and people who live near and far, almost all of whom I do not get to see regularly.

A friend said to me that he thought Facebook was problematic because it provided the illusion of closeness. We get some photos or words and thus feel connected when we should really pick up the phone or go visit someone. It is a cheat and a trap. I see his point.

But I am not sure I would or could have personal contact with many of my Facebook friends. That isn’t to say I wouldn’t want to, but it is not feasible. Sometimes all I really want or need is a picture or a few words. Sometimes, I call and we go out for lunch or a walk. There is a place for both.

I love meeting up with friends. Yet, many of my Facebook relationships are not that kind. Our connection on Facebook is superficial – and that is enough. It makes me feel happy to just think of you and get a tiny window into your experience.

And for that I am very thankful.

Reading For Treasure: Thinking about Learning

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction!

Stop Trying to Raise Successful Kids: Kids learn more from what we do and how we behave than what we say. This article from The Atlantic argues that kids know that, although parents say they want their kids to be kind and caring, achievement and happiness is far more important – but in ways you might find surprising, kindness will serve them better in the long run.

I was a Low-Income College Student. Classes Weren’t The Hard Part: Professor Jack of the Harvard Graduate School of Education shares his powerful experiences about being a low-income first generation college student. It is clear from both his story and his experiences as a college professor that our university system neither understands nor adapts to this important population.

How Revising Math Exams Turns Students Into Learners, Not Processors: Thinking about our thinking is metacognition. It is not enough to just solve the problem, we want students to really understand the process and think behind problem-solving. This article from MindShift talks about how a math teacher upended her teaching based on the ideas from writing revision. Math teachers, what do you think of this?

New Study Finds Gifted Programs Favor Wealth Over Ability: There are more wealthy students in gifted programs? Really? I don’t think any of us are surprised. Here is the opening line from this article, “A new study confirms that lower-income elementary students are far less likely than their wealthier counterparts to be placed in gifted programs. That’s even when those students go to the same school and display the same levels of academic achievement.”

Why Some People Become Lifelong Readers: The Atlantic’s article focuses on what parents can do to help their children develop a true love of reading and not merely see it like eating their veggies.

I am currently reading Brand by Henrik Ibsen.

Uncommon Sense: Parenting Pointers: Suggestions from Thirty-Three Years of Teaching: Part 2

We sometimes call them butt wipers; parents who do everything for their children except (or including) wiping their behinds. I am not talking about toddlers, by the way. I am talking about high school and college kids. These smother mothers and do-it-for-them dads rob their children of autonomy and agency. Don’t they know what they are doing? Why aren’t they aware of the effect their over-parenting has on their children?

We must approach parenting as a skill. We must learn from each other and make a conscious effort to be reflective and critical of our own parenting.

I started a list of parenting ideas in an earlier post (put link her). Here is a second list of things that people who work with children wished that parents of middle, high school and perhaps even college kids knew:

Don't lie, and don’t lie for them. This is critically important. Lying is a quick and cheap way of dealing with problems, but it doesn’t solve problems: it creates new problems. It is not an effective or ethical means of meeting life’s challenges, but it is easier. If you provide them with the example and thus the permission to solve problems through deceit, beware: they will use it.

Don't take them out of school. As I have written before, parents who take students out of school for vacations, appointments, special events, and other reasons are clearly demonstrating the value of school. In addition, this creates significant stress when students need to make up what they have missed. Sometimes, the easiest way to deal with that stress is avoidance or deceit. I have seen students who otherwise perform well in school, spiral downwards when faced with what they perceive as an insurmountable amount of work due to absences. Keep them in class!

One sign that a student has an overpowering parent is entitlement behavior. When a parent lays down the red carpet before a child, the child rightfully gets the message that they are super special and should be treated like royalty. Don’t make their lunches. Don’t make their beds. Don’t arrange their social calendars, and don’t do their homework!

These rarified stars often cannot control simple impulses: they cannot take turns in a conversation; they blurt out in the classroom and demand their questions be answered immediately. They are, after all, the real important people in the classroom. The rest of these kids are just there to help them learn. Don’t scoff at this: I have heard students say as much in class. Sometimes they are aware that they just told the class that they matter more than anyone else. More often, they are so used to being center stage that they can’t see outside their spotlight.

An extension of this is parents who believe that the rules do not apply to them. Deadlines are not really deadlines. Due dates can be negotiated, and laws are “guidelines for idiots,” as one person told me. Your kids are watching. If you drive dangerously, allow them to get around curfew, circumvent the system, and treat rules as suggestions at best, beware: they will do the same.

Treat people like people and not like servants. How you relate to your child’s teacher, the secretary at school, the guard as you enter, and other people whom you meet will set the tone for your child’s sense of respect. Be aware of your tone in emails and phone conversations. Kids understand this on a gut level and often in a way they cannot articulate until you hear it from them later.  And the school staff will remember you, but not fondly. Do you want that reputation?

This is only part two of this series. There is more to come; I am finishing a third part. Do you have suggestions that should be included? Please send them to me!