A Message to the Grads

I am not a big fan of graduation primarily because I am not good at letting go. I don’t want my students to leave. So, as I listen to commencement addresses (and I have heard many), I find myself composing one last message to my nearly former students.

My primary focus would be simple: the quality of our lives is a function of our relationships. Whether we spend our days in a lab or a theater, an office, or a classroom, ultimately, our connection to people, both those immediately around us and to the larger community, is what will determine both our personal happiness and our contributions to the future. And both are important!

To this end, I would ask the graduates to think about the effect of the work they choose. Mary Pipher, in her book, The Shelter of Each Other, makes the suggestion that young people take a pledge when graduating that they will never do "work that hurts children." She and I both think, "the morality of work is something [students] should consider, that it is a dimension they should evaluate, just as they evaluate pay, benefits and advancement potential." (Pipher 266).

American culture often focuses more on personal happiness than on our relationship, contribution, and obligation to the world around us. While I want my students to be happy, I believe that one important source of that happiness is leading a life of purpose and meaning. If all we want is our own selfish happiness, then what are we? What does that make us? If we cannot reach out to others and find happiness in those connections, then the happiness we find is no more than the selfish highs of substance abuse – and just as destructive.

My friend Michelle and I are speaking at the middle school graduation next month. Our speech has a simple theme: “Say hi in the halls.” Our advice to kids going into high school is to reach out to people: students, teachers, custodians, secretaries, everyone! We will tell them that high school (and life) will be far more successful if you are the one to smile first, put out your hand, and initiate the positive connection.

Of course difficult days are ahead. This is one of the points that CharlesWheelan, a professor at the University of Chicago made in a commencement address at Dartmouth. His talk focused on “the ten things you won’t hear at commencement.” And while I agree with his idea, my focus is more like his first “thing:” “Your time in fraternity basements was well spent.”

All of the items on Professor Wheelan’s list are either connected to relationships or are related to them. For example, while there may be difficult days ahead, our ability to deal with them is a function of the support networks we have woven for ourselves.

Finally, I would thank the graduates for leaving their mark on me. Everyone talks about special teachers who touched our lives. We remember them and honor their influence. Students are just as critical in the shaping of teachers. Teachers carry the lessons from their relationships with students from class to class and year to year. Former students come to mind a dozen times a day. They are with me far more than they will ever realize.

During my last class or two with graduating seniors, I invite them to come back and visit. I tell them they have a standing appointment with me. Whether they come back during their first Thanksgiving break or years after, when the person behind the reception desk asks if anyone is expecting them, the answer will always be, “Yes! Mr. Hirsch is expecting me.” And I am. 

Anne Thurman's Legacy

Anne Thurman would have been ninety-four years old today. Her life is proof of the enormous effect an educator can have. I could list her accomplishment, affiliations, and publications, but here is a good article that says it better than I could.

Anne taught me to be a teacher. Her class was the first one in which I worked with students, wrote lesson plans, and discussed the idea of Development Through Drama. And Anne modeled what she taught. I discovered that my favorite high school teacher was also a student of Anne Thurman.

It was in Anne’s class that I had my first teaching internship. I worked with second graders in Wilmette. One lesson focused on cowboys and Indians. After I did a Native American lesson the first half of the period, my partner taught a cowboy drama. We started by bucking broncos. The problem was, the broncos were imaginary and the kids were struggling to ride air ponies.

Anne usually sat in a corner and silently observed. You were in trouble if Anne entered your drama. My partner was working hard to make those horses real but the kids were struggling. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder, “here’s a good pony you can train!” Anne cast me as the horse. The kids eyes brightened and I found myself being bucked by fifteen seven year-olds! Lesson saved!

Although Anne retired from Northwestern before I graduated, that didn’t stop her from being my teacher and guide. As I finished my student teaching, she called me to say that Chute Middle School needed a drama teacher and she had already given them my name. I explained to Anne that I was training to be a high school teacher and I hadn’t graduated yet! Anne had already arranged for my early graduation. She had spoken to Chute’s principal and cleared my path.

My time at Chute was remarkable and Anne was a constant resource. The fact that I wasn’t coming straight out of college was a key factor in landing an interview at Deerfield High School.

Anne guided me at Deerfield, too. We talked regularly and she encouraged me to write for the Illinois Theatre Association’s newsletter, the Follow Spot, which she was editing. She wanted an article on performances of student creative writing or needed a book review.

I remember my wife conveying a message from Anne while we were waiting for a play to start at Northwestern, “Can’t you tell her that it is the end of the quarter and you have grading? Can’t you take a rain check?” I shook my head and said, “No one says no to Anne Thurman. I can’t and I won’t. I’ll write the article.” And with that, the woman sitting in the row in front of us turns around and says, “I can’t say no to her either!” It was the wife of the director of the play!

No one could say no to Anne because working with Anne was a dynamic and wonderful experience. No one said no to Anne because what Anne did was meaningful and focused on kids. Working with Anne Thurman was a gift and only a fool would turn that down. I loved the fact that my college professor assigned me homework twenty years after I graduated.

I celebrate Anne in the classroom every day. As I “prime the pump” or “make it active” or remind myself that students are emotional as well as intellectual beings, I think of Anne. I am forever grateful for the gifts she gave me and for the opportunity to share them. 

The College Search Process: Part 5

For months we have been asked, “Where is your daughter going next year?” I always answer, “college.” I get a wry smile and the obvious follow up. We now have an answer! The college search process has ended. The search is over and we have a winner! Hurrah! It took more than two years, seventeen visits to college campuses, three college fairs, and countless college “events.”

The good news is that we have found a match for our child. I think the hard work paid off. Like trying on different clothes, it took a while to find the right fit.

Interestingly enough, the two schools that her parents thought were not fantastic fits both put her on waiting lists. Two more schools accepted her but, by that time, were no longer in the running. The final two schools were the key players and merited a return trip. These visits solidified her choice.

So this past spring break, we made one more journey to the East Coast. We attempted to simulate what going to these schools would be like for her. When we got off the plane, she did not go with me to pick up the rental car but found her way to the campus using public transportation. She spent solo time on both campuses, sat in on classes, ate with students, and visited dorms. 

By the time she competed her second spring break campus visit, we all knew the choice. We went home and filled out forms and sent in a deposit. Done! 

And that is the “other” news, because it really isn’t bad. Now we will be living the college process – just not searching. Now we start to prepare our daughter for life at college (and life at home without her for us). Now we start packing, planning, and paying! 

We just signed up for summer orientation, which involves both the incoming students and their parents. The college charges a fee for this! I made three sets of hotel and air reservations: orientation, the big August drop off, and parents’ weekend. I feel like a travel agent. 

We are asking questions of other families: Since we can’t drive out to the college due to our schedules, how do you get clothes and dorm materials to school? Shipping? Schlepping on the plane? Purchasing once there? How often do kids come home? Do they book one-way airfares? How did your child get his or her first credit card? We are full of college life questions. 

A ton of emails and envelopes are coming into the house regarding health insurance, registration, finances, and many other new college tasks. The process is far from over. We have found our college (and I use “our” because mom and dad, like it or not, must be very much involved). Getting there is half the fun, but it is only half. In this case, it could be less then half! 

Of course, we have another child. We get two years off before we search again! College number two, where are U?

The Problem with the Pick Up Line

My kids need me to schlep them around. While it is not the best part of parenting, the conversations in the car are often nice. However, when they can move themselves to their classes, activities, and rehearsals, it is a wonderful thing. I am so grateful for busses, carpools, bikes, and Deerfield’s small size.

Yet, I often observe a long time of cars behind the high school at 2:45 in the afternoon waiting to pick up students. The last class starts at about 2:20 and ends at 3:14. This means these parents arrive at school between fifteen to thirty minutes early. These are parents with wait problems! And there aren’t just a few of them. I have counted as many as thirty vehicles.

I can understand doing this if I needed to whisk my child away to an important appointment. That doesn’t happen often. Could that many kids need a fast getaway? We don’t do many after school appointments because my children are involved in athletics, stage crew, plays, and clubs after school and are rarely willing or available to leave at the end of the class day.

That clearly isn’t the case for the waiting parents’ kids. By 3:10, the line of cars is enormous and fills the entire parking lot and the road leading to it. Why are so many parents willing to wait on their kids and why are these kids leaving school so soon?

Some people live too close to school to qualify for bussing but that doesn’t mean they need to pick up their children as soon as the final bell rings. In fact, these parents would save time if they arrived a few minutes later. By 3:30, the pick up line is gone! And if you live so close to school you don’t get bus service, does that mean your children could bike or walk? Living close doesn’t disqualify kids from taking advantage of the wonderful activities that happen after school.

After school activities are one of the most important parts of high school. Some research suggests they are just as important to children’s later success as the academics! So why are all these kids leaving at the end of the day? Because their parents are waiting to take them home? Perhaps some of them are involved in outside of school activities like Girl Scouts or volunteering. Maybe some of them have jobs. Maybe some hear the call of video games, TV, Facebook, and mommy.

Parents’ driving in the pick up line is uneven at best. Many parents drive with no regard for safety; they speed out of the parking lot, ignore laws and the school’s rules. They are so glad to get their darlings back. Many are on cell phones, which is now illegal near a school. Many are driving enormous vehicles but pick up only one child.

Almost all of the cars are running while they wait. They not only have time to burn, gas and money are no object either. And we haven’t mentioned the fact that we have a parking lot full of student vehicles!

So what is really happening here?

This could be just another example of enabling parents; parents who are enmeshed with their kids and must get them home as soon as possible. Or maybe it a case of kids who can manipulate their parents into being their chauffeurs. It is probably a little of these and more.

It is time to get rid of the pick up line. What’s my sign? Stop! Get out of the pick up line; our time is too valuable and there are so many better things to do!

A Better Way to Bee

My son has been successful at spelling bees. Twice, he has won his school’s bee and gone on to regional competition. Nonetheless, I am not a fan. I have no problem with rewarding kids for good spelling. The competition doesn’t bother me either. My main problem is the extremely public failure. In addition, some of the words are more difficult than others; success is often more about the luck of the word rather than the skill of the speller. Couldn’t we have a more fair and kind way to run spelling bees?

A student at my son’s most recent school bee was given a word she did not know. She waited and thought. She contorted her face, blushed and looked down. She looked like she was going to cry. Finally, she said, in a broken voice, “I don’t know this word.” The judge encouraged her to sound out the word and try it. She did and spelled the word correctly. However, she was not so fortunate the second time this happened. And the second time felt even more painful.

Perhaps standing in front of an audience and failing builds character. Maybe it makes our kids tough. I am not sure I want tough kids. Kids in a spelling bee can feel very exposed. They are taking a big risk and, when they fail, everyone watches. I can understand why some kids have no desire to participate.

Kids in sports fail publicly. Performing arts students might make mistakes. The difference is that kids in these activities are not alone. A strike out includes a batter and a pitcher. Other performers mitigate errors on stage. Not so in a bee.

The deciding word for the most recent bee I attended was cincture. The word that the next student received was qwerty. At this point in the bee, the regular list of words had been exhausted, so no speller had been given these words in a study guide. However, qwerty is a far easier word than cincture. Words that break rules (like counterfeit because it breaks the i before e rule), follow another language’s form (airborne has an e at the end unlike most American spellings), or are obscure (like cincture) will be more difficult than even the longest commonly used words.

There is a way to address both of these issues. Spelling bees could be less a display of children’s failures and become more focused on the skills involved. Instead of spelling words orally, what if each child had a pad of paper and a writing utensil – or some form of computer. The bee could be entirely administered on a computer in the same manner as geography bees or students could sit in study carrels, so they could not see other students’ pads of paper while writing their answers.

The judge could read a word aloud and automatically provide the definition, language of origin, and other information. All spellers would then have a crack at the word at the same time. At a signal from the judge, they would show what they had written. Some would get it right. Some would get it wrong. While it is possible that only one child might err, the focus would not be on that child exclusively. All of the spellers showed their work at the same moment. No one was on the hot seat by him or herself.

While this might be less dramatic, it would be more humane and accurate. It would be a far better way to bee!

The College Search Process: Part 4

The college applications are in. All but the “final” visits are over. We are at the end of the long wait. However, that doesn’t mean we took a break. We just finished one of the least fun parts: the financial aid applications.

We couldn’t start our financial aid applications until the first of the year, when we could access the Free Application for Federal Student Aid, commonly called FAFSA. Most of the schools to which our daughter applied wanted information by mid-February. So, after the winter holidays, my wife and I sat down and filled out forms.

We started with the College Board’s CSS profile, which is a colonoscopy of our finances. It took several hours to collect all the information and enter it correctly. In addition, each of the schools asked for supplemental information.

The CSS also had some tricky questions. It asked how much we, the parents, and other family members were planning to contribute to our child’s college education. Wasn’t that what the form was going to help us determine? Isn’t the financial aid application supposed to let the schools tell us the real college costs?

Both the CSS and the FAFSA asked for information we didn’t have. Our earliest deadline was February 1st but we didn’t have all of our 1099 statements. So we had to guestimate our 2011 tax information.

The FAFSA felt easy compared to the CSS. It was shorter, quicker, and filling out the CSS had given us much of the information. However, there was the problem of “signing” it. We discovered that we needed to create Federal PIN numbers. Navigating this process took more than a little extra time, especially when the websites didn’t work properly!

It took us four or five sessions of about an hour or two to get everything entered and submitted. We thought we were mostly done and we’d have to come back and make corrections once our taxes were filed.

Then we received notice that we had to submit something called an IDOC. This is yet another set of forms for the College Board. Two of our daughter’s schools wanted these – and they wanted them by March 1st! The Federal government gives us until April 15 to file our taxes. Schools want financial information by early February. Now, we needed IDOC by March! We didn’t even have all our tax statements!

IDOC is basically all of our tax documents and a few forms. We didn’t have the necessary material to calculate our taxes. So as soon as the last 1099 arrived, we rushed and completed our tax return on February 29th.

Almost every tax form was required for IDOC. Each item also had to be labeled with the social security number of the “owner.” I ended sending a sixty-page package to the College Board on March 1st.

Finally, I returned to the FAFSA and found that, even though we submitted our taxes electronically, it takes about a week for that data to be available. Fortunately, our tax estimates were very close and there were not many changes. It took about an hour to update the FAFSA and most of that time I was learning how to import the tax information.

Are we done? I hope so! Will all this work pay off? I doubt it. Our family earns enough to make it unlikely that our child will get much aid. However, these forms are prerequisites for scholarships of any kind. Our daughter has only heard from one school and they have offered her generous merit scholarships, so I am crossing my fingers that others will follow.

In the next two to three weeks, we will hear about admissions decisions and financial aid packages. We will also return to the two universities at the top of my child’s list. Decision day is in sight!

My Parenting Prime Directive

Captain Picard’s Prime Directive dictates that powerful visitors from space may not interfere in the natural development of the places they visit. As a parent, I do not want to interfere in natural development of my children. My first rule of parenting is that I will not do anything that my children could do for themselves!

Even if it means that my children may struggle or become frustrated, it is critical to allow them to “figure it out for themselves” rather than swoop in and rescue them. This is easy to do sometimes and difficult to do when the stakes are higher. However, whether it is tying shoes or applying to college, my job is to help my kids to function independently. A child who functions autonomously is building a sense of confidence and power. Children whose parent do everything (or almost everything) for them learn that power is external and they must find ways to siphon off second hand power; the skills that kids need to piggyback parental power are often negative and destructive.

Yes, it is easier and faster to solve our kids’ problems for them. It is frustrating to watch and wait while children struggle and sometimes fail. Yet robbing them of failure is robbing them of growth. The rationalization is often that the price of that the task, whatever it is, is “too important to be left to the child.” Parents use this excuse to justify intervening about grades, social issues, college applications, try-outs, and of course to “protect” the child. The fact is, these are all too important to be accomplished by the parent. This doesn’t mean that parent must be completely hands-off. However, the parent must be the child’s guide and assistant, not the other way around. By snatching these “important” tasks away from our children, we keep them children and slow their maturation.

Teachers can recognize students whose parents do it all for them. They fear failure and often are scared of learning. They are resistant to feedback and see criticism as personal and insulting. They often threaten teachers with parental retribution! One of these students felt slighted when he didn’t receive credit for writing incorrect answers on a quiz, even though his answers showed he hadn’t learned the material. “I should get something anyway,” he whined to me. “My mom will be calling you.”

Early in the year, teachers get calls from these kids’ parents. They refer to themselves in the plural, ‘When we worked on that assignment,” or “We weren’t sure of the instructions.” Some teachers call them “butt wipers” or other names that suggest that they do not let their kids do even the most basic tasks. By cultivating kids’ dependence, they are infantilizing their children.

If we teach our kids to use their power, we must also teach them to make good decisions and hold them accountable for them. I am in awe of the parents who, when I called and told them that their child had plagiarized, said, “Throw the book at him!” We all know parents who will do anything to prevent their kids from feeling the negative effects of poor decisions. Not only does this undercut a child’s feeling of autonomy, but it also teaches them that they are above the law; the rules don’t apply to them. That is a lesson that is connected to a host of problems from bullying to substance use.

Fostering independence in our children teaches them that they have power and how to use it. It cultivates competence and confidence. It may be the most important trait of great parenting.