I Will Not Be THAT Parent!

The recent college admission scandal has increased our awareness of snowplow, lawnmower, and attack helicopter parents. Parents across the nation, especially White affluent parents, are shaking their heads in disbelief and saying, “I am not THAT parent. At least I didn’t do THAT!”

In my more than thirty years in education, I have seen many parents eschew one sin only to turn around and commit another which is just as egregious.

So when someone says they never want to be THAT parent. I am not sure what they mean. Here is what I mean: I will never be the:

Puppet parent who pulls the strings and robs their children of agency. Instead, I teach my children to share control and be responsible members of our family and the community.

Ass wiper parent who does absolutely everything for their children. Instead, I will foster independence and autonomy in my children and help give them tools to solve their problems on their own.

Controlling parent who keeps their children dependent. Instead, I will teach my children how to make choices and decisions and to accept their (and my own) limits of control

Wimpy parent who just can’t say, “no.” Instead, I will play the role of adult and teach my children that actions have consequences even when they are unpleasant and that my child’s power is real and shared.

Alarmist parent who worries about everything! Instead, I will help my children take risks and push their boundaries and realize that my limits are not theirs.

Unpredictable parent who cannot be trusted or relied upon. Instead, I will provide my child with stability and consistency. My word and promise will have meaning. I will be dependable and teach my children that they can rely on me.

Needy parent who leans on their children. Instead, I will have a life beyond my role as a parent and model for my children how adults are multifaceted.

Buddy parent who behaves just like another kid. Instead, I will develop healthy relationships based on our roles as parent and child. We can have fun and enjoy each other without my child becoming my peer. I am healthy enough to have friends of my own. I will encourage and model for my child how to form strong relationships.

Indulgent parent who provides everything. Instead, I will demonstrate to my child that joy does not come from things, but from relationships and actions. I will not substitute bribes for my time and affection.

Pollyanna parent who believes everything will all work out for the best on its own. Instead, my children and I will partner to figure out problems and use reason and research to assess and act on issues and challenges.

Proxy parent who turns the parenting over to others. Instead, I will take responsibility and not farm out my parenting responsibilities to tutors, sitters, and consultants. I will need experts, but they will help and advise my family not act in my place.

Critic parent who drills their children like drafted soldiers. Instead, I will coach gently and celebrate my child’s interests and talents.

Privileged parent who disregards rules and behaves as if he and his children have no limits and are entitled to whatever they want. Instead, I will teach my children to respect others and the systems that make our society work. I will help my children find their humility and generosity and recognize that others’ needs are as (or more) important as their own.

I will check myself when I catch myself with these parental tendencies. I will not ignore my mistakes and my tendency to drift into poor parenting. Instead, I will be a reflective parent who questions his decisions and talks openly about parenting with his wife, children, and other parents – and sometimes reverses course, changes direction, and tries another parenting approach.

None of us is born knowing how to parent. None of us can do it on our own. All parents need a support network. Every child deserves thoughtful adults who ask, why am I doing this? What lessons am I teaching my children?

So we can take far more from this college scandal than the satisfaction of saying, “At least I didn’t do THAT! At least I am not THAT parent!”

The Insanity of Education Reform

The way that we have been trying to change education is a variation on the old tune that defines insanity as doing the same thing but expecting different results. We test. We compete. We want accountability. We rail against tenure, unions, and bad teachers. We want things to be uniform and “common.” And nothing changes. In fact, it can be argued that our fetish with these approaches has made the state of education worse rather than better.

There are many schools, many in suburbs, smaller cities, and towns that are doing fine. Charter schools haven’t had a significant impact and are plagued by similar problems as the public schools near them.

So maybe, just maybe, it is time for a new approach. Maybe it is time to try another way. Here are some elements that we might consider:

Embrace and empower teachers. The reforms of the past three decades have focused on the “bad” teachers. Tests, standards, and other structures were designed to be “teacher-proof.” Instead, let’s work with teachers. After all, they are on the front lines. If they don’t buy into the plan, it will be far more difficult to carry out. If we work with, rather than against, professional educators, who know kids well, might we discover new ways to help kids learn?

Testing is a lost cause. We keep trying to use tests to solve education problems and it doesn’t work. We like tests because they generate clear numbers which we can compare and then use those comparisons to make judgments. However, tests are only one tile in a large and complex mosaic. Not only are they not the big picture, they are not an accurate little picture. They are merely measurable data and anyone who argues they work must address more than thirty years of standardized testing that if judged the way we judge any vehicle, fails to achieve a passing grade.

So what replaces testing? Smaller class sizes and increased resources. We waste billions of dollars on testing and make educational companies wealthy at our students’ expense. We know that smaller class sizes have a profound impact on learning. Give kids more teacher time and attention instead of testing drills!

No education reform can be complete without acknowledging that the research about student learning clearly states that the school (and to some degree the teacher) only control about a quarter of the factors that affect achievement. What goes on beyond the schoolhouse is far more important. Let’s focus there as well.

Let’s invest in parent education. Let’s address poverty, nutrition, and violence. Let’s increase funding of early childhood education and make access to preschool universal!

Let’s acknowledge that one size education doesn’t fit all! Uniform rules, tests, and standards don’t fit anyone! Education, like clothing, must be tailored and, since kids grow and change, evaluated and retailored constantly. Every child, school, and community is unique and deserves education that fits! 

We have tried the numbers, uniformity, and testing approach for more than thirty years. It doesn’t get a B or even a C. It has earned an F! Time for another course!

Bye Lines

I am not a fan of goodbye. I am not a fan of letting go. I suppose my classroom would be stuffed if no one ever graduated or moved on, but I wouldn’t mind. Elementary schools sometimes “loop” kids by having them stay in the same classroom with the same teacher for multiple years. Sounds like a good idea to me!

However, exits are as important as entrances. The fact that our time together is limited makes it all the more valuable. We used to talk about bell-to-bell teaching. I start before the bell. As soon as I have a quorum of the class, I start. Kids learn to get to class quickly and that I am not going to waste their time. They get their money’s worth with me!

I am eager to start class. My colleagues in the English department know when I am off to class because I have a series of exit lines as I leave the office and head for the classroom.  My dear former colleague and friend Emily noted that I often borrow from that old commercial and exit with, “Time to make the doughnuts!” If the class is particularly challenging (maybe freshmen at the end of the day), I may note I am “off to fight the wars.”

One of my colleagues came back to school on a Monday excited because he had seen a production of Wonderful Town and figured out where I got the exit line, “Why, oh, why, oh, did I ever leave Ohio!” For clarification, I have never lived in Ohio.

More often, though, my exits to class have a different tone. I borrow from the Olympics and say, “Better, higher, stronger, faster” and run out. More recently, I find I am leaving the office empty and my only “line” is the locking of the door.

I get to the classroom early. I like to greet students by name as they enter. The feeling tone of the classroom is important and I try to set it right away!  Sometimes, if a student is late and arrives with a pass, I treat them as if they are the royal messenger at the end of A Three Penny Opera arriving on horseback to save the hero from the gallows and sing to them, “Hark who comes? A royal messenger riding comes!” I take the paper as if it is, in fact, a reprieve from the Queen! It never is, by the way, it is just a pass.

If a student gets to class just as the bell is ringing and has just managed to avoid being tardy, I will go back to my old spoonerisms and say that they arrived in the tick of nime!

Not that long ago, before every student carried around their own Chromebook laptop computer, we would have to leave class and head to a special room to use banks of desktop computers. Then I would borrow from a very different play and invite the students to “come down to the lab, and see what’s on the slab!” I would find out if any of them knew my reference and say, “I see you shiver with antici----”  I have only had two students who knew what I was talking about. I guess I should expect that. (SAY IT)  ---pation!

Every so often, students will ask, “When is this class over?” No! No, that isn’t the way I want you to think about it at all. While I will admit that there are times I wish classes would be shorter (sometimes that end of the day freshman group), most of the time, I find that the end of class surprises me. Then I borrow from Shari Lewis and adapt her song to be, “This is the class that never ends, it goes on and on my friend…” And if students start to put their materials in their backpacks prematurely, I do my reinterpretation of the old David Soul song, “Don’t pack up on me, baby!”

Of course, all my students know my replacement for “you are dismissed.” I always thank them at the end of class in the manner of flight attendants when the plane has landed, “Thank you for flying Science Fiction” or “Thank you for flying Theatre” and then they are free to get their bags and phones, and move out to the jet-way or hallway or wherever.

The goodbye I like the least is when my students graduate. I try to find the words to wish my senior students farewell. For my former Freshman English students, I have a special goodbye: On their second day of high school, I ask them to write about their first day of high school in detail. We put that piece of writing in an envelope and I mail it to them so they receive close to their last day of school – and I include a note from me wishing them goodbye as well.

And now, as I am preparing to say goodbye to all of my students and colleagues, I am struggling. None of these lines say works for this situation. I am not sure that I have words to express how odd it is to part from these wonderful students, extraordinary colleagues, and this magnificent school. Stay tuned; I am writing!

Losing Recess

“Until whoever wrote on the supply cabinet comes forward, the entire class will be staying in from recess!”

Remember how unfair that felt! Remember how angry you were when you had to pay the price for someone else’s misdeeds! Of course, most (or all) of the class knew who had done the deed (it was Veronica, it was always Veronica), but they wouldn’t tell on someone. So you stayed in and sulked until Susan’s mother called the next day and got everyone, including Veronica, out of jail. That also felt unfair. Veronica should pay for her crimes and you shouldn’t.

You struggled to pay for college. You worked a job in addition to the work-study and it took you ages to pay off your debt. With bitterness, you remember Sandy, who was dropped off in a Lexus, was getting more aid than you! Sandy had all the trappings of a rich kid: fancy cars, clothes, vacations, and toys. If Sandy had all that, why the full ride?

People game the system. People pay for others’ crimes. It is wrong, but it happens all the time. Why should we have to bear the burden for this kind of unfairness?

If people commit crimes, they should be punished. If people cheat, they should not succeed. If people lie or misrepresent themselves, they should have to confess and tell the truth and bear the consequences.

I wish it were that simple.

How much is it worth to catch the cheaters? Should no one get financial aid to college because some people abuse it? Should it be distributed evenly so that the very wealthy and the barely making ends meet get the same assistance? Should everyone pay the price for the misdeeds of a few people?  

Let’s put this another way:

Due to water issues, my town only permits us to water our lawns every other day. But I have a neighbor who waters every day anyway. Should watering be forbidden for everyone? Should all of our plants die because one neighbor uses too much water and has beautiful landscaping?

The answer is clearly no! Just the offender should be punished!

What about systems of social support? There are people who scam insurance, welfare, food stamps, and other programs that help those who are struggling. If one person really doesn’t want to work and is just being lazy, should the single mom working two jobs also be cut out of the program? What if it is a small percentage of those getting assistance? At what point do you take away everyone’s recess because some of the class is being naughty?

Should we create tight rules to catch the person who cuts in line, goes through the red light, or has eleven items in the “Ten or Fewer” line at the grocery store? Should we shame them? Should we eliminate the express lines and build pop-up walls at intersections?

                                           

Of course not!

So how do we deal with the cheats and freeloaders?

I am not sure. But I know this: they shouldn’t ruin it for the rest of us. They shouldn’t make all of us stay in from recess nor should we eliminate systems that help struggling people in our community because a few people behave badly.

Although we may think we have the full picture, it is rarely true. We may think that someone is cheating or scamming the system. We must acknowledge that many times, we only have parts of their story. We might be right. We might be wrong.

I would love to live in a world where lightning strikes down every wrongdoer automatically. If you are using a phone while driving, POOF, you are suddenly sitting on the side of the road and your car is gone. If you steal, POOF, you are suddenly transported to jail! If you lie, POOF, the truth is automatically revealed and you are punished.

It doesn’t work that way. Here and now there is just us to make justice, and human justice is as fallible and uneven as the human beings dispensing it.

But that doesn’t mean we don’t make the attempt. It certainly doesn’t mean that we let the bad eggs spoil it for everyone. We may have the impulse to say that, if one or some of us can’t treat things well, then none of us should get them. We know that is wrong and unfair.

Must we let the cheaters slide? Sometimes. Can we create systems that catch the cheaters? Sometimes. Should we create systems that sacrifice doing good things because some people cheat?

I don’t know if this makes me a liberal or a conservative. I know that the argument against many forms of social support is that they are either distributed poorly or that people take advantage of them. That doesn’t mean that a majority of the class isn’t doing the right thing and should be held in for recess!  

Here is the trade-off: Is it worth it to suffer some wrong doers to help more good folks? Is that the price we must pay? It may bug us to know that there are kids on the playfield who don’t belong there, but it is more wrong to keep the whole class inside.