Uncommon Sense: Parenting Pointers: Suggestions from Thirty-Three Years of Teaching: Part 3

Perhaps because I worked with teenagers (and their families) for all of my adult life, I became attuned to how parental choices shaped a child’s behavior. I remember being shocked after a conversation with a parent during which the parent berated her child and told me, his teacher, exactly how she felt about him. During another conversation, a parent made it clear that she didn’t have any influence on her daughter. Her daughter ran the show. She was the mom, but the daughter had the real power. More often, I remember hanging up the phone and thinking, “I just learned how good parents function.” Parents who problem solved with their children, held their children accountable for their actions, modeled functional and ethical behavior, and enlisted me, their child’s teacher, to be their ally in raising a competent, compassionate, and ethical person!

My students’ parents helped me be a better parent to my own children and to help coach parents who were struggling. I kept notes and here is the third (and final) list of things that I have noted over more than thirty years of working with teens and their families:

Make the present as or more important than the future. How many times have you heard someone say, “this will be important for your future,” or “You will need this in high school,” or “This will help you get into college?” Yes, we must make sure our children are prepared for the road ahead, but not at the price of the present. And there is a second piece to this: what does it communicate to kids if we are constantly trying to get them fixed up for the future? What message do they hear when we push them to do things for some intangible future reward? Start the college process at the very end of sophomore year of high school and no sooner. Thinking of college prior to then also communicates that you are not enough now. You need to be more. How depressing.

Make sure you are a positive partner with those who teach your child. Work hard to build bridges with your children’s teachers, both at their day schools as well as their coaches, directors, and religious educators. They see your child in a way that could help you parent more effectively. They can benefit from your understanding of your child. One of my students’ parents gave me a letter entitled, “Our Child” at the beginning of the year that succinctly and poignantly communicated their perceptions about their son to me, his teacher. It gave me insight that helped me meet his needs and create a strong relationship more quickly and strongly.

Yes, we all pick our battles with our children. There are battles worth fighting and battles that should never be battles.  Can we talk about why there are battles? Some kids are more confrontational. Some parents have a personal style that invites conflict. Yet, we are the parents, they are the children. As a teacher, I have found that one of the most dangerous and problematic family dynamics is when the child runs the show. The parent chooses not to pick any battles. There are none because the child wins with or without a fight. The real battle is to avoid the battle. The child learns that the parent does not want conflict and therefore the threat of confrontation or a little yelling and the parent melts. There are alternatives to yelling and screaming. Threats, grounding, and restrictions only go so far. Shared decision-making, family councils, and sometimes the use of a third party are all means of teaching children how to share power. By the way, this starts before a child can walk! Ultimately, the adults must be in charge. If the child is in charge, we are all in trouble.

Many of us would prefer not to pay taxes. We must pay taxes, not only because bad things will happen to us if we don’t, but also because our taxes support things we value. Sometimes, going to family gatherings, church, synagogue, mosque, or temple, or completing chores is not something we want to do. But we are obligated to do so. We have a duty, a responsibly, that we must fulfill. Children have these obligations, too. It is just as important that they learn what it means to live up to them. Don’t let kids off the hook for this “don’t want to, but just have to” type of obligation. Don’t bribe them to do them. A spoonful of sugar teaches us that medicine needs to be sweet.  Instead, teach children that when we have an obligation, we live up to it even if it is unpleasant or if there are tempting alternatives. As a child, a member of a family, a member of a religious community, a student in a school, we must play our role and that often entails giving of ourselves. Teach kids to value this and to understand how this is much more than medicine but critical to the workings of our family and community.

Be very aware of your child’s use of the internet. Stay up to date on the latest apps and trends and discuss them with your child. Watch social media use, especially after the lights go out and you believe your child to be asleep. Have a discussion about when and how we use screens. Many families now have a recharging bank in a commonplace and all the phones land there (including the parents’ phones). In our house, all computers were in public rooms, not in bedrooms.

Read to them. Read with them. Read yourself. Read as a family. Join book clubs as a group. The research is totally clear: children who enjoy reading and regularly read for pleasure have an advantage in and out of school. Both their academic and emotional skills are improved dramatically (and drama activities have similar benefits). If you aren’t a reader, become one. I mean it. Then help your child become one.

Weave a web of supportive and important people around them. Even if family lives miles away, keep your children in touch. Have regular family events. If members of the family are in other places, call them together. Foster your child’s relationship with cousins, neighbors, and other people who will support their growth. When our son entered high school, someone asked why he needed a counselor when his mother was a counselor at the school. My wife answered, “He needs to have someone to talk to when we are the problem.” Your children may not always come to you with issues. Provide them with strong relationships from whom they can learn and to whom they can turn.

These three lists are not comprehensive. Different parents both need coaching and can coach different skills. That is why teachers, grandparents, neighbors, aunts and uncles, coaches, and others share some parenting tasks with moms and dads. The key is our willingness to reflect and improve. Just as our children are never really done growing up, we are never done learning how to be the best parents we can.

Putting the Social in Social Network: Facebook Thanksgiving

I am aware that there are issues with Facebook. I try to stay out of the political kerfuffles, and I am freaked out when the item I just bought at the store appears in my feed. I wish that Facebook would do a better job of upholding reasonable standards of accuracy.  

But that isn’t why I am on Facebook or Instagram. That isn’t how I use it.

I am there because I love thinking of you! I want to hear about your life. I am delighted to see your posts and photos because they remind me of you. It really is that simple.

Some people talk about the massive time-wasting potential of Facebook, and I am certainly guilty of avoiding productive work by scrolling through my feed. Yet, I leave that experience feeling good. Someone has a new job. Someone’s child did something cute. Someone is having a great time on vacation. Someone posted a funny meme.

It almost doesn’t matter what you post because the words and images bring you to my mind, and that is why I am there. Even when your post is not all sun and rainbows.

Sometimes, Facebook posts help us help each other. Sometimes they are calls for support. I have learned about sad events and funerals I needed to attend through Facebook. I have been able to be a voice in the chorus of support through Facebook. I have been able to reach out through Facebook.

I understand that we get bent out of shape about far more consequential issues. They are important. We need to address them. We must examine all information, on and offline, through a critical lens. We must hold each other and our communication vehicles responsible.

But my Facebook use does not have that kind of weight. I'm here to wish people a happy birthday. I'm here because, as I have written many times before, I'm not good at letting go. The information on Facebook gives me a momentary glimpse into the lives of my former students, colleagues, friends, relatives, and people who live near and far, almost all of whom I do not get to see regularly.

A friend said to me that he thought Facebook was problematic because it provided the illusion of closeness. We get some photos or words and thus feel connected when we should really pick up the phone or go visit someone. It is a cheat and a trap. I see his point.

But I am not sure I would or could have personal contact with many of my Facebook friends. That isn’t to say I wouldn’t want to, but it is not feasible. Sometimes all I really want or need is a picture or a few words. Sometimes, I call and we go out for lunch or a walk. There is a place for both.

I love meeting up with friends. Yet, many of my Facebook relationships are not that kind. Our connection on Facebook is superficial – and that is enough. It makes me feel happy to just think of you and get a tiny window into your experience.

And for that I am very thankful.

Reading For Treasure: Thinking about Learning

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction!

Stop Trying to Raise Successful Kids: Kids learn more from what we do and how we behave than what we say. This article from The Atlantic argues that kids know that, although parents say they want their kids to be kind and caring, achievement and happiness is far more important – but in ways you might find surprising, kindness will serve them better in the long run.

I was a Low-Income College Student. Classes Weren’t The Hard Part: Professor Jack of the Harvard Graduate School of Education shares his powerful experiences about being a low-income first generation college student. It is clear from both his story and his experiences as a college professor that our university system neither understands nor adapts to this important population.

How Revising Math Exams Turns Students Into Learners, Not Processors: Thinking about our thinking is metacognition. It is not enough to just solve the problem, we want students to really understand the process and think behind problem-solving. This article from MindShift talks about how a math teacher upended her teaching based on the ideas from writing revision. Math teachers, what do you think of this?

New Study Finds Gifted Programs Favor Wealth Over Ability: There are more wealthy students in gifted programs? Really? I don’t think any of us are surprised. Here is the opening line from this article, “A new study confirms that lower-income elementary students are far less likely than their wealthier counterparts to be placed in gifted programs. That’s even when those students go to the same school and display the same levels of academic achievement.”

Why Some People Become Lifelong Readers: The Atlantic’s article focuses on what parents can do to help their children develop a true love of reading and not merely see it like eating their veggies.

I am currently reading Brand by Henrik Ibsen.

Uncommon Sense: Parenting Pointers: Suggestions from Thirty-Three Years of Teaching: Part 2

We sometimes call them butt wipers; parents who do everything for their children except (or including) wiping their behinds. I am not talking about toddlers, by the way. I am talking about high school and college kids. These smother mothers and do-it-for-them dads rob their children of autonomy and agency. Don’t they know what they are doing? Why aren’t they aware of the effect their over-parenting has on their children?

We must approach parenting as a skill. We must learn from each other and make a conscious effort to be reflective and critical of our own parenting.

I started a list of parenting ideas in an earlier post (put link her). Here is a second list of things that people who work with children wished that parents of middle, high school and perhaps even college kids knew:

Don't lie, and don’t lie for them. This is critically important. Lying is a quick and cheap way of dealing with problems, but it doesn’t solve problems: it creates new problems. It is not an effective or ethical means of meeting life’s challenges, but it is easier. If you provide them with the example and thus the permission to solve problems through deceit, beware: they will use it.

Don't take them out of school. As I have written before, parents who take students out of school for vacations, appointments, special events, and other reasons are clearly demonstrating the value of school. In addition, this creates significant stress when students need to make up what they have missed. Sometimes, the easiest way to deal with that stress is avoidance or deceit. I have seen students who otherwise perform well in school, spiral downwards when faced with what they perceive as an insurmountable amount of work due to absences. Keep them in class!

One sign that a student has an overpowering parent is entitlement behavior. When a parent lays down the red carpet before a child, the child rightfully gets the message that they are super special and should be treated like royalty. Don’t make their lunches. Don’t make their beds. Don’t arrange their social calendars, and don’t do their homework!

These rarified stars often cannot control simple impulses: they cannot take turns in a conversation; they blurt out in the classroom and demand their questions be answered immediately. They are, after all, the real important people in the classroom. The rest of these kids are just there to help them learn. Don’t scoff at this: I have heard students say as much in class. Sometimes they are aware that they just told the class that they matter more than anyone else. More often, they are so used to being center stage that they can’t see outside their spotlight.

An extension of this is parents who believe that the rules do not apply to them. Deadlines are not really deadlines. Due dates can be negotiated, and laws are “guidelines for idiots,” as one person told me. Your kids are watching. If you drive dangerously, allow them to get around curfew, circumvent the system, and treat rules as suggestions at best, beware: they will do the same.

Treat people like people and not like servants. How you relate to your child’s teacher, the secretary at school, the guard as you enter, and other people whom you meet will set the tone for your child’s sense of respect. Be aware of your tone in emails and phone conversations. Kids understand this on a gut level and often in a way they cannot articulate until you hear it from them later.  And the school staff will remember you, but not fondly. Do you want that reputation?

This is only part two of this series. There is more to come; I am finishing a third part. Do you have suggestions that should be included? Please send them to me!