The Teacher’s Best Teachers: His Students!

Students are powerful. They don’t realize their remarkable impact. We all have special teachers who touched our lives. We remember them and honor their influence. What we may not realize is that students are as critical in the shaping of teachers. Teachers carry the lessons learned from kids from class to class and year to year.

I have long chafed when a student refers to, “Mr. Hirsch’s class.” It is not mine. It is ours. Students see the teacher as the owner of the class, the master of ceremonies and, at best, they are supporting cast if not audience. Really, it is their class and I am merely the stage manager. When I make choices, I think of the students who taught me how to be a better teacher.

Nicole was my first “discipline” problem. She would much prefer to talk with Anna, fiddle with her books, make up or just about anything, rather than participate in class. It drove me bananas and she knew it. My attempts at reprimanding, refocusing or distracting her seemed to only fuel the fire. Then one day, instead of my usual policeman behavior, I just smiled at Nicole and shook my head.It worked! I found it hard to believe it was that simple. It worked over and over. And if I was not sharp enough to spot the lesson, Nicole made it clear to me when she replied to one of my grins, “That smile isn’t going to work this time, Mr. H. Not this time.” But it did. Smiles as part of discipline? Thank you, Nicole!

Danny was a traditional “kid in the middle.” He was not the brightest student in class but not the slowest. He was a nice young man but not the most (or least) talkative. He did not misbehave but did not draw a great deal of attention to himself. He happened to stop by in the writing lab one day. I pulled him into a conference on an assignment. From then on, Danny sought me out. He looked for that little bit of extra attention and ate it up. Traditionally, students with special talents or special needs receive special services but those wonderful kids in the middle are left with leftovers. Danny didn’t need special tutoring, he was doing fine. Danny didn’t take many honors or AP classes. But Danny loved the extra attention and thrived on it as much as any “special” student. Danny taught me that all students deserve, need, and desire that extra something. I think of him every time I make the effort to give every student his or her “Danny” time. Thank you, Danny.

It was the day before parent night and I jokingly looked at Jeremy. He was my challenge. Not disruptive, just overactive and talkative. Perhaps he might have been labeled ADD – but the label would have been wrong. I joked with him, as the period ended, that I was very eager to meet his parents at open house. “Well,” exclaimed Jeremy, “be sure to sit my dad over here,” he pointed to one end of the classroom, “ and my mom way over here,” he pointed to the opposite side, “because if you let them get together – BOOM!” Now it made sense. The out of control, attention seeking behavior that was so inappropriate in my classroom was the only way to get warring parents’ notice. Jeremy wasn’t ADD or anything else. He was simply bringing his home coping technique into class and it wasn’t working. When students’ behavior is set in context, they cease being behavior issues and become people trying strategies to make life manageable. Thank you, Jeremy.

I have become the lessons students have taught me. It is more than I am a better teacher – or person – I think they have molded me as much or more than I changed them. There is an old proverb that states that the teacher should learn as much from the students as the students from the teacher. I live this every day.

If I am a pretty good teacher, it is due, in large measure, to the fantastic students with whom I have studied. They have generously and unselfishly taught me what it means to learn and study. I have been allowed to glimpse the complexity of their world. Every day, every semester, year after year, they are with me and I am forever grateful to them.

Bar Mitzvah Between the Lines

Please share our joy as our darling boy is called to the torah as a bar mitzvah. Never mind that he doesn’t really understand the words he is reading. He understands the story in general and will relate it to sports, his sister, and a Disney movie in his speech.

It is fine because we don’t speak Hebrew. We don’t even light candles or attend any services other than some of the high holidays and those are really boring. We are planning on quitting the congregation as soon as the dust settles on the eighteen dollar checks. That was what it took to get the kid to complete Hebrew school anyway. Only the promise of spending some of the cash for a new flat screen TV for his room could keep him going through that mind numbing routine.

Thank you so much for donating to his mitzvah project. Really, it was our mitzvah project. He didn’t do that much. It wasn’t worth any more begging and threatening; we had enough of that just getting this far. Besides, he is so busy with the sports and school and his friends. So all he ended up doing was an hour at the soup kitchen. They signed his form and he was out of there.

We’ll see you at the service. We are going to look great. The rabbi gave us the aliya blessings all written out in English transliterations so we can sound like we speak Hebrew. We should probably practice them. Not that we pray. Not that we really believe any of this stuff. We believe in god, of course. But we just don’t see the need to have all the bowing and reciting. I wish it were like Passover where we can just go right to the meal and skip all the mumbo jumbo. We are only doing this because…well…because we would feel left out. Our son would feel like something was missing if he didn’t have this experience. I didn’t stick with my religious education after my bar mitzvah, but maybe he will. Well, he won’t, but he could have.

Our celebration continues with a loud and expensive party on Saturday night. All we need is a bride and it could double as the kid’s wedding. It’ll be as big and as grand as anyone else’s party. We’ll have two hundred of our friends and almost as many kids. Don’t worry, they will be on the other side of the room and we’ll have hired dancers to give them gifts and keep them grinding away at each other. Consider bringing earplugs because the music has caused hearing loss and headaches.

The theme of the party is toys and games. Each table is one of our sons’ favorites. You’ll be sitting at iPod or maybe Xbox or Gameboy. Don’t worry, there won’t be anything from the service at the party. We’ll do a quick blessing over the bread and wine because we have this beautiful challah cover that my in-laws brought back from Israel that we need to use. After that, it is alcohol for the adults and fried foods for the kids!

We are giving away sweat suits with the kid’s name on them at the end of the night to all the kids. They will all wear them to school on Monday and make anyone who wasn’t there feel like complete losers.

Don’t hold your breath waiting for my kid’s thank you note. He may never get around to it. We’ve prewritten all the envelopes for him already and we may need to write the thank yous too. The best you’re going to get out of him is a quick, “Thanks for the generous gift. It was nice to see you.” He doesn’t know what you gave him and you won’t actually see him at the party. He’ll just hang out with a few of his friends and the dance staff. But he’s just a kid. Hopefully, we’ll see you for a moment or two.

We hope you can join us for this very important religious celebration. It wouldn’t be the same without you.

Big Boys in Little Leagues

My son just received his park district basketball team assignment and it has me wondering. While I have seen great value in these community sports programs, I am concerned about the way the teams are put together. As an educator and a parent, I have some questions about the way these organizations function. I wonder if the jury-rigging of the teams is really for the kids’ benefit or for the glory of the adults who coach them.

Each time a coach calls our house or the email arrives with a schedule and roster, my son’s first question is, “Who is on my team?” As we move from game to game, the composition of the teams is always an interesting and sometimes disturbing revelation. I am a classroom teacher and I know how difficult it is to put together “even” groups. Kids change and grow. A mediocre player one season may turn into a strong player the next. Yet, I have never been in a league where the distribution of kids was balanced.

Most of the leagues in our community use a draft to put together teams. Of course the coaches’ kids are on their team. This gives coaches a great deal of control of the team and clearly creates customized groups. There are seven boys my son’s grade in our neighborhood. He has been in class with all of them throughout the years. However, for all the team sports he has played and all the teams he has been on, he has only been with one of these boys on one team – ever! All of these boys have been in most, if not all of the same leagues. We are talking about twice as many teams than classes at school. How is this possible?

So my child gets to make new friends. So my child is not as proficient in sports as these other boys. Each season, these boys’ teams, the ones their fathers coach, are the fantastic teams. They are the teams that have several very athletically talents kids. They are the teams that have three skilled pitchers, or boys who are very tall, or extra older boys. While every coach will tell you that winning is not the focus, learning is the focus, the team composition reveals the truth of the matter.

My kids have had a wide range of coaches and all of them have been well intentioned. However, some have been more skilled than others. Only some are good at communicating with parents. Only a handful are good at connecting with the kids. And very few are good coaches. Not that long ago, we had a coach who made sure that each player got to try each position frequently. He had a line up ready in advance and printed out and posted on the fence. The strongest and weakest players all got chances to be in the “plum” spots. He affirmed all the children and complimented them far more than he pointed out problems. When he did point out issues, he instructed and demonstrated. He was not a professional teacher but I think he may have missed his calling. His gentle shouts from the bench were ones of encouragement and praise. The composition of the team was secondary, the coach made sure of that. However, this is the exception far more than the rule.

Children’s sports can teach so many important lessons. They can teach kids about exercise and teamwork. They can be about navigating relationships and learning skills. They can be a balance to the intensity of academic study. Or they can be about doing what it takes to win and learning who is on top and who sucks. Kids (and some adults) might make it about the later. It is adults’ obligation to guide them to the former. Can we let go of grabbing the “good” kids? Can we put the skill need before the social need? Can winning take a back seat to fair play and love of the game? Community sports programs: please put the children’s needs first!

Fostering Children's Autonomy

My nine-year-old son sat at the kitchen table and looked like he was about to cry. In front of him was a luscious piece of chocolate cake in a plastic container. For ten minutes, he struggled to get the container open. Behind him was his frazzled grandmother, with her hands extended to relieve the little guy of his frustration and give him the delicious dessert. The mean and evil father (me) had prevented her from helping by uttering the simple words, “Let him do it himself.”

Yes, it would have been easier to just open the box for my son. Yes, he would have been happier if his grandmother had rushed to his rescue. He would have adored his daddy even more than he did when I gave him the special dessert. So what is the downside of helping a little kid open a difficult container? Everything.

I want a great deal for my children. Of course I want them to be happy. It would be nice if they had good feelings about their parents. But more than these, I want them to grow up to be competent, contributing, independent adults. Problem solving is the heart of autonomy. Self-respect and confidence are its offspring. This is the core of what I believe as a parent and as a teacher. My prime directive is: Do nothing that undercuts the independence of the child. Or put in the positive: do everything possible to foster the child’s ability to be self-reliant.

How do our children learn that they have power? What is the nature of that power? Too often, we see children manipulating adults, often their parents or teachers. Screams of, “I hate you!” or “You don’t love me” are a kind of emotional blackmail and kids learn its effectiveness. Shows of helplessness, tears, and tantrums frequently succeed in getting children out of challenging situations. What have we taught them?

Children learn that their power consists of manipulating us to use our power on their behalf; it must be begged, stolen or tricked from us. They do not have any power inherently. Is that what we want? Is that true? Is that good?

Where does self worth come from? It comes from competence! We may assist our children in solving problem and guide them to solutions, but when we do it for them, we are robbing them of the experience of learning how to problem solve.

Instead of doing the homework for my daughter, I asked her questions about it. I helped her find her own method of problem solving and her own solutions, which were not the ones I would have chosen but they worked just the same. I helped her to figure out the steps instead of telling her what they were. It took some time and lots of patience, but the end result was a child who felt good that she met the challenge and could do it without daddy’s help the next time (which she did!).

We rationalize coming to our children’s rescue. They are so busy, the task is unreasonable, he is so stressed, it makes my life better and on and on. Underneath all of these excuses is that same set of parent centered values: it serves my needs, I want my child to like me, or perhaps it will make my child happier (at least in the short run). These are short sighted, selfish and superficial.

There are times when opening the child’s cake container is what a parent must do. I am not 100% consistent and almost every rule has an exception. However, it is the larger pattern that shapes our kids. Do they expect that, when they run into trouble, they will be bailed out? Do they take initiative and anticipate challenges that may be ahead of them? Do they rely on parental power or do they develop their own?

I quietly coached my son, “You tried that way of opening the box already. What is another way you might open it?” I encouraged him to see how other people had opened their boxes. I gave him time to be frustrated. Yes, he opened the box himself, although it felt like it took a year. Then, he looked up and said, “I can!”

Frustration and Learning

One night, not long ago, my daughter was in tears over an upcoming test. However, when she first came home from school, she was cavalier about it. She said she knew the material and it was no big deal. She waltzed to the television and plopped herself down. After dinner, she started what she thought was a perfunctory study session. No such luck. She found that the test was going to be on more than the material covered in the last few days of class. In fact, it was material that the teacher never taught! Even with the help of friends, she could not figure it out.

She emailed the teacher, who sent her some instructions. Problem solved, right? Wrong. My daughter’s response was that, although she now had the tools to attack the issue, she wasn’t sure she could do it on her own, let alone manage it under the stressful conditions of a test.

As a teacher, I was upset. Why test kids on material you haven’t taught? What does that prove? Why ask kids to teach themselves complex and difficult material. When she took the test, the teacher decided not to include the skills that caused my daughter such difficulties! All this fuss for nothing!

As a teacher, I am not perfect. I have written unclear instructions. I try new things in every class I teach and some of these work out wonderfully. Some of these end up a good first draft but need revision. While I am fanatical about planning and timing, I have had times where even my best-laid plans have been caught in the mousetrap.

I hope that experiences like these make me both a better teacher and a better dad. In elementary school, my kids had a thirty-minute rule. If they struggled with something for thirty minutes and could not understand it, then they could stop and talk to the teacher the next day. Could I have a similar rule? Could there be some kind of emergency cord that kids could pull when they get to the end of their ropes? How could I create something like that for my students.

A little frustration fosters growth. Learning only occurs when we reach the end of “I know how” and step off! However, too much frustration stifles learning. The difference between the two depends on each child. Some children will stick with a challenging task and thrive. Others are not as hearty and cannot cope with that same amount of frustration. One size never fits them all. Dealing with this learning process is a skill. If we rob students of all of the frustration, we will also rob them of their learning and their independence.

If we are doing our jobs well as teachers and parents, we are helping our students to independently cope with school challenges. We are providing them resources and skills to problem solve and manage both their workloads and emotions. A discussion about “what do we do when we can’t figure out the homework” would be helpful in class and at home.

This may be more valuable than the skills taught in any one subject. The ability to manage stress and frustration, to persist and stick with a difficult task, and to use learning resources is the curriculum that really counts!

That teacher whose test brought my child to tears may have, inadvertently, done some good. But I can do better. I may still be the villain at someone’s dinner table, but I must teach my kids, both at home and at school, how to face the inevitable high school challenges.

Carpools Need Lifeguards

On Saturday, April 18, 2009, five children were killed when their car ran off the road and into a waterway in Texas. According to CNN, the driver was not only distracted by his cell phone but failed a field sobriety test.

Who is driving your children? When you participate in a carpool, do you know how the other parents drive? We rationalize car pools because they are convenient and often take kids very short distances. But many accidents happen close to home.

I often see dangerous driving. More often, I see driving that is not dangerous, but just sloppy, rude and thoughtless. I do not want to put my kids in any of car driven that way. I participate in only a few carpools, and only with people whose driving I trust.

We all know good trustworthy people who are poor drivers. Being a good friend, capable worker, or intelligent person does not automatically make someone a safe driver. We sometimes over generalize and assume that, because she is a kind person, she must be competent behind the wheel. Perhaps that is wishful thinking.

This raises two questions: what kind of driver do you want moving your children and how would you know if the members of your carpool are that type of driver? The first question is far easier to answer than the second.

Good drivers are those who put the safety of those in and around their cars before all other concerns. Good drivers obey the law, pick up and parking regulations, and are polite and defensive drivers.

Observe the driving of parents at your children’s school and activities. Who drives as if she or he is in a rush? Safe drivers are never in a hurry behind the wheel. Who puts a child under the age of twelve in the front seat? It is easier to put a child in the front passenger seat when the only spot left is in the middle of a bench seat. That is both illegal in our state and unsafe. A smaller person will be seriously injured, if not killed, should the airbag deploy. Who is on his or her cell phone while driving? It is now illegal to use a cell phone in a school zone in our state. Who ignores speed limits, restricted parking, and other rules and guidelines? In our state, you must have your lights on if you are using your windshield wipers. While that seems like common sense, see who fails to do this. I do not want my child in these people’s cars!

Who uses signals regularly? Who moves very slowly in parking lots? Who is patient? Who thinks ahead, for example, leaving space for the bus to get in and out before it actually arrives at school. Who do you see insisting on seat belts and car seats? Who makes certain that kids only enter a car on the curbside? Who maintains order in his or her car?

You may or may not be able to spot these characteristics in the school pick up line. It is very difficult to figure out if those in your carpool are safe drivers. It is even more difficult to have a conversation about it because all parents will say, “Of course I put safety first and obey the laws!” Talk is cheap.

Yet, it is a conversation that could save our children’s lives. It may be easier to do so as part of a parent meeting. Carpool guidelines or pledges could be circulated through school newsletters. That could open the door to including them with the actual carpool schedule. While it may be awkward and uncomfortable to discuss these issues with other parents, it will be far worse when there is a car crash (is it really an “accident”?) and fingers are pointing.

Our kids will eventually be drivers. They will take their cue from us. If we ignore the rules, take short cuts and place convenience before safety, they are going to do the same thing. So listen to that nagging doubt when your child gets into certain cars and choose your carpool drivers carefully.

Summer's Been Great; Bring on the School Year!

Remember how it felt to go back to school after summer vacation? Most of us would have preferred the vacation continue. There are very few people who like the rigor and routine of school more than the freedom and flexibility of summer. Yet, like the end of childhood, the return to school is both inevitable and makes the summer break all the more sweet.

Unlike the end of my school year, my summer vacation really does wind down. As the start of school draws closer, I start to go to school more often. I take all the preparations I’ve been working on and put them on the table. I prepare new handouts. I decorate the classroom and dust off my office. I write letters and email students. Like slowly getting into the swimming pool, I move gently back into academic waters.

I savor summer’s end. The end of the summer usually provides my children with more free time. Camp is over but school hasn’t started. So we go to amusement parks and museums and take little “field trips” together. I try to get my preparations accomplished so that everything is ready at school about a week before the first day of class. That gives me that last week guilt free. And I spent much of that time with my children.

Although I love summer, I am not ready to for it full time. I crave the challenge and energy that I find at school. I am eager to meet new faces and find ways to help kids grow and learn. Even when I do retire, I don’t think it will be one long summer vacation. Summer vacation is rejuvenating and relaxing only because I get to use those new energies again. What use is the recharged battery if there is no outlet for its power?

At the end of the school year, I am glad to walk out the door. I am fed up with the papers and politics, the stresses and struggles. But in August, I miss my colleagues and my students. I want to catch up and get back to business. I am ready to return. I know the challenges ahead of me, and I am ready for them. My patience bucket is full again.

By using a nice part of my summer to prepare for school, I create more free time during the year. I call this amortizing my summer. If I can do much of my lesson planning during the summer, I can focus on other concerns during the school year. That could be contacting a parent or taking on a new project. It may mean trying an experiment like using Twitter in the classroom, or creating a literature podcast or working with a teacher in training. This way I can have a tiny taste of summer all year long. And working on schoolwork during the summer doesn’t taint the summer. It allows me to slow down and see things from a distance.

The flip answer to “how was your summer?” often is “not long enough” and that is usually the case for winter and spring breaks. But it is not my summer answer. I will miss the summer, that is certain. Yet, summer would not be as precious if it were year round. As I have written before, the cycles of school are powerful. They rejuvenate me and ask me to reflect and renew.

Am I ready to go back to school? Almost. School starts in one week and I’ve just about memorized my new class lists. I will have difficulty sitting through the pre-school in-services because I am so eager to meet my new kids. Bring on the students, bring on the school year!