Put Down the Phone!

Not long ago, I was in an Imax movie and there were several teenage girls sitting next to me. The screen was BIG and the sound was LOUD. It was a very engaging experience. Yet, these girls were texting through it!

I came home to find that my son had a few friends over. They were seated at the kitchen table playing games on their phones. They were in their own worlds. The boys without smart phones were left out and eventually went home.

At my daughter’s college orientation, there were many parents who, despite having traveled to learn about their child’s college, were on their phones throughout important presentations.

Then there are those who cannot put down their phones even when it endangers their own or others’ physical safety. There are far too many drivers with their eyes on their phones instead of the road!  

What is going on here?  Why are we so obsessed with our phones? Why does using our technology supersede all other concerns? We make a statement with our phone use. We tell the people around us what is REALLY important to us.

Here are some my guidelines for smart smart phone use:

1. No use of the phone while driving. Not at stoplights. Not hands free. Not voice command. While I am driving, I drive. If my phone rings and I need to use it, I pull over.

2. I don’t do phone “work” in public amidst social gatherings. If I must send an email or text, I excuse myself and go to a private spot and do my business.

3. I do not use my phone as a toy when I could interact with the people around me. Waiting rooms, airports, and other solitary places are good spots to play games, read newsfeeds, or check websites. If it would be rude to read, it is not okay to use the phone.

4. I think it is acceptable to use my phone as a point of conversation. For example, I may show people photos on my phone or use its resources to find a restaurant, look up the answer to a question raised in conversation, or demonstrate something. In this way, the people around me are sharing my phone.

5. When I am having a phone conversation, I speak more quietly and go to an area away from people having face-to-face conversations.

6. I do not pull out my phone during public performances, presentations, or events. If there is an unavoidable reason to use my phone during a concert, speaker, or movie, I leave the room. And my phone is completely silent from the moment I enter a performance space!

7. The people present may not be ignored. If my phone rings and interrupts a conversation, I treat the people around me with the same respect I would give callers I am about to put on hold – and I do not leave them hanging for long. This is similar to the situation where, when I am talking to someone, my child comes up to me and asks for my attention. It is socially acceptable and appropriate to say to those with whom I am talking, “Excuse me for one minute, my kid needs me. I’ll be right back.”  The key here is that it must be this kind of situation. Which leads me to:

8. I am highly selective about which calls I will take. My default ring tone is silent. Only people I want to hear from are assigned a ringtone. My family and my close friends have individual ringtones. So I know who is calling without looking at my phone and many callers are simply directed to voice mail when I am otherwise engaged.

The big rule is people first, phones fourth.

Whose Backbone Is It Anyway?

Children must learn to make their own decisions. It is perhaps the most critical skill that parents teach. And it must be taught. As any parent will tell you, if given a choice, many children will not take their medicine, wear their seatbelts, or treat their siblings with respect. Making good choices is a learned behavior. 

We are fooled into believing that, as our children get older, they are have mastered this skill. Sometimes we allow children to make poor decisions because we don’t want the hassle that comes with questioning their autonomy. Parents must choose their battles and there are many times that kids’ bad choices are trivial. We must allow kids to experience the consequences of their choices, good and bad. 

Then there are the choices that we cloak in teaching independence that are in fact self-serving cop-outs. Recently a parent proudly bragged that he had given his child the choice of whether or not to continue with Sunday religious school. The child did not want to go any more. Since giving kids a choice and letting them live with their choices was an important value for this parent, he permitted his child to end religious education.

I wondered if he would allow his child the same freedom to drop out of high school? Or not go to the doctor for an illness? Or attend his grandparents’ anniversary party? Or even quit a sports team?

Who is served by this decision? The child will not have to get up early on Sunday – and neither will the parent. The battles over Sunday school will end – and the child will have won. Kids should win some battles, but what which ones – and why?

When parents choose capitulation on important matters, children learn a different lesson. They see that convenience or expedience triumphs over substance. They realize that whining, crying, and other childish tactics are effective. They are empowered and take that power to the next battle. They may take it into their own parenting as well.

Parents must be clear about which issues are worth the fight. Their behavior models adult decision-making. When parents cave on important issues, parents lose their credibility and authority. They risk losing their children’s respect. They become less dependable and more manipulatable.

And there are too many parents who cannot stand up to their children. Clueless wonders and spineless disasters are parenting stereotypes. Whether it is from a desire to be a child’s friend, lack of time, misunderstanding, or misguided principles, every neighborhood has its share of parents who are ruled by their kids.

Raise your hand if you wish your parent had been more forceful about sticking with that musical instrument? As a child, it was difficult and time consuming. Children often avoid challenge. As parents, we must teach them to engage challenge. One of the most important battles I won with my daughter was to keep her playing violin. It taught her how to succeed at a difficult task!

Collaborating with children is a great way to slowly hand over control. Not bargaining or negotiating but talking out the issues and letting kids see adult thinking in action. Kids know when quick and easy has triumphed. Kids understand what it means when their folks can’t or won’t make the tough calls. They call them wimps – and they are!

Adults need to take the long view because children are not capable of it. To surrender these important choices to our children is to fail in our role as a parent. Even if, as children, we didn’t make the right choices, we have an obligation to make sure our children do – especially when these are not the choices they would make themselves! And even more so when these decisions are difficult for us.

Our children are worth it. We owe it to them to have backbone.

Can't Stop the Tweet

For the third year, my English students wrote a tweet at the end of each class session. Some of these tweets summarize what we did. Some capture a specific moment. Others respond to a school event. Some are just fun. I didn’t include all of the tweets my students wrote. If you are interested in seeing the uncut list, go to my online classroom. Here is my 2011-2012 school year in tweets:

• Decode and analyze ideas.

• We read music! Tweeting with Big Bird.

• Fon’t dorget hour yomework!

• Curry with a side of shiny happy purple packet.

• Dashing through college essays. ‘sigh’

• Insider info on college essays from Mr. Shanley.

• Read essays and made funny noises.

• Use quotes like cayenne peppers.

• Learned about RSS and revision.

• I am a more intelligent person because Interpreter of Maladies showed me to show not tell.

• We shared the discussion equally.

• He loves her, he loves her not.

• Became a real durwan.

• Splendid!

• Blots of lack in class.

• Burned some DISCs

• The anvil meets the wordsmith.

• Gifting shears and making A plus essays.

• Shopping at the Lahari buffet.

• Another essay, another drag!

• Switched again!

• How long is the perfect kiss?

• What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?

• We learned of a man who killed his dad and married his mom.

• Purged our emotions of pity and fear: catharsis!

• Got a vision from a blind man!

• Everything's an argument - no it's not.

• Principal Griffith observed class.

• Fate is always a step ahead!

• No sneezing!

• Oedipus is shellfish!

• Roll with the flow!

• We became guinea pigs for Mr. Hirsch's writing throughout the grades experiment.

• Witty tweets and Greek theater (re?) don't mix too easily. So we'll leave it be.

• Commas save lives!

• Oh, man, our futures are in our hands...Don't mess up!

• What's your major?

• Facebook in English!

• Passionate about apple pancakes.

• Act 1, scene 1 will come, but not in one lump slump.

• Shakespeare invented the TV drama teaser; watched start of Hamlet!

• A wedding, funeral, and a ghost?

• Who ya gunna call? The ghost of Hamlet's father!

• Turn the other cheek!

• Hamlet for adulteresses.

• "Awesome discussion!" - Mr. Hirsch

• Define the line!

• To eat or not to eat - that is the question: whether tis nobler to obey the computer lab rules or the pangs and arrows of outrageous hunger.

• Let the games begin!

• Beware of madness when reading Hamlet.

• Revenge is a dish best served cold - but karma can be cruel.

• Hamlet comes to an end.

• Speed dating - LOL!

• Download the argue-o-meter app for the iPhone today!

• Poems, parts, photo, and Santa!

• "Ooh! Everyone is here again for the second day in a row! Let's take another picture!" - Mr. Hirsch

• Poetry out loud!

• We read to a wall.

• One more for posterity.

• I think that I shall never meet a poem lovely as a tweet.

• Finals, finals, finals!!!

• Plagiarism is bad.

• Library database > Google

• Are you reading about a repeatable routine?

• Learned about food blogging!

• Billy Lombardo reads!

• Turnitin.com - we're going paperless!

• English is cool!

• Mountains, daughters, butterflies, cuckoos, and a side of Pi a la mode.

• A case of the Mondays.

• Minimize your screen!

• Do it in four symbols.

• Senioritis... 2 lazy 2 tweet

• Older siblings are usually older.

• In-class essay tomorrow. Do the write thing!

• Getting excited for senior project!

• The answer is 42.

• We had to write a speech!

• As FDR once said, "All we have to fear is fear itself." He forgot about graduation speeches.

• Period 4 is blogging!

• Oh, your left!

• Thanks for flying technology lab!

• On time today!

• Pick a blog, any blog!

• Good thing we learned tweets are less formal than email today.

• Plan your project; piece the puzzle.

• What's the password? (in a Russian accent)

• "Look at me."

• Food free zone!

• Less talk, more research.

• First step: DONE!

• Enjoy prom, but not too much!

• Pigs everywhere!

• Doing something a little more English-y.

• Senior Ditch Day? Please, we're nerds. Senior Elite 2012!

• "Where have all the children gone? " There's 15 computers per kid in this class!

• Wise words regarding Anne.

• Almost done; full speed ahead!

• The end is near!

• We finished our projects!

• Great coffee presentation!

• Just wandering around school, asking people about books.

• Don't try to be great...you are not that special.

• I thankfully appreciate your gratuitous thanks.

• A book you'll love!

A Message to the Grads

I am not a big fan of graduation primarily because I am not good at letting go. I don’t want my students to leave. So, as I listen to commencement addresses (and I have heard many), I find myself composing one last message to my nearly former students.

My primary focus would be simple: the quality of our lives is a function of our relationships. Whether we spend our days in a lab or a theater, an office, or a classroom, ultimately, our connection to people, both those immediately around us and to the larger community, is what will determine both our personal happiness and our contributions to the future. And both are important!

To this end, I would ask the graduates to think about the effect of the work they choose. Mary Pipher, in her book, The Shelter of Each Other, makes the suggestion that young people take a pledge when graduating that they will never do "work that hurts children." She and I both think, "the morality of work is something [students] should consider, that it is a dimension they should evaluate, just as they evaluate pay, benefits and advancement potential." (Pipher 266).

American culture often focuses more on personal happiness than on our relationship, contribution, and obligation to the world around us. While I want my students to be happy, I believe that one important source of that happiness is leading a life of purpose and meaning. If all we want is our own selfish happiness, then what are we? What does that make us? If we cannot reach out to others and find happiness in those connections, then the happiness we find is no more than the selfish highs of substance abuse – and just as destructive.

My friend Michelle and I are speaking at the middle school graduation next month. Our speech has a simple theme: “Say hi in the halls.” Our advice to kids going into high school is to reach out to people: students, teachers, custodians, secretaries, everyone! We will tell them that high school (and life) will be far more successful if you are the one to smile first, put out your hand, and initiate the positive connection.

Of course difficult days are ahead. This is one of the points that CharlesWheelan, a professor at the University of Chicago made in a commencement address at Dartmouth. His talk focused on “the ten things you won’t hear at commencement.” And while I agree with his idea, my focus is more like his first “thing:” “Your time in fraternity basements was well spent.”

All of the items on Professor Wheelan’s list are either connected to relationships or are related to them. For example, while there may be difficult days ahead, our ability to deal with them is a function of the support networks we have woven for ourselves.

Finally, I would thank the graduates for leaving their mark on me. Everyone talks about special teachers who touched our lives. We remember them and honor their influence. Students are just as critical in the shaping of teachers. Teachers carry the lessons from their relationships with students from class to class and year to year. Former students come to mind a dozen times a day. They are with me far more than they will ever realize.

During my last class or two with graduating seniors, I invite them to come back and visit. I tell them they have a standing appointment with me. Whether they come back during their first Thanksgiving break or years after, when the person behind the reception desk asks if anyone is expecting them, the answer will always be, “Yes! Mr. Hirsch is expecting me.” And I am. 

Anne Thurman's Legacy

Anne Thurman would have been ninety-four years old today. Her life is proof of the enormous effect an educator can have. I could list her accomplishment, affiliations, and publications, but here is a good article that says it better than I could.

Anne taught me to be a teacher. Her class was the first one in which I worked with students, wrote lesson plans, and discussed the idea of Development Through Drama. And Anne modeled what she taught. I discovered that my favorite high school teacher was also a student of Anne Thurman.

It was in Anne’s class that I had my first teaching internship. I worked with second graders in Wilmette. One lesson focused on cowboys and Indians. After I did a Native American lesson the first half of the period, my partner taught a cowboy drama. We started by bucking broncos. The problem was, the broncos were imaginary and the kids were struggling to ride air ponies.

Anne usually sat in a corner and silently observed. You were in trouble if Anne entered your drama. My partner was working hard to make those horses real but the kids were struggling. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder, “here’s a good pony you can train!” Anne cast me as the horse. The kids eyes brightened and I found myself being bucked by fifteen seven year-olds! Lesson saved!

Although Anne retired from Northwestern before I graduated, that didn’t stop her from being my teacher and guide. As I finished my student teaching, she called me to say that Chute Middle School needed a drama teacher and she had already given them my name. I explained to Anne that I was training to be a high school teacher and I hadn’t graduated yet! Anne had already arranged for my early graduation. She had spoken to Chute’s principal and cleared my path.

My time at Chute was remarkable and Anne was a constant resource. The fact that I wasn’t coming straight out of college was a key factor in landing an interview at Deerfield High School.

Anne guided me at Deerfield, too. We talked regularly and she encouraged me to write for the Illinois Theatre Association’s newsletter, the Follow Spot, which she was editing. She wanted an article on performances of student creative writing or needed a book review.

I remember my wife conveying a message from Anne while we were waiting for a play to start at Northwestern, “Can’t you tell her that it is the end of the quarter and you have grading? Can’t you take a rain check?” I shook my head and said, “No one says no to Anne Thurman. I can’t and I won’t. I’ll write the article.” And with that, the woman sitting in the row in front of us turns around and says, “I can’t say no to her either!” It was the wife of the director of the play!

No one could say no to Anne because working with Anne was a dynamic and wonderful experience. No one said no to Anne because what Anne did was meaningful and focused on kids. Working with Anne Thurman was a gift and only a fool would turn that down. I loved the fact that my college professor assigned me homework twenty years after I graduated.

I celebrate Anne in the classroom every day. As I “prime the pump” or “make it active” or remind myself that students are emotional as well as intellectual beings, I think of Anne. I am forever grateful for the gifts she gave me and for the opportunity to share them. 

The College Search Process: Part 5

For months we have been asked, “Where is your daughter going next year?” I always answer, “college.” I get a wry smile and the obvious follow up. We now have an answer! The college search process has ended. The search is over and we have a winner! Hurrah! It took more than two years, seventeen visits to college campuses, three college fairs, and countless college “events.”

The good news is that we have found a match for our child. I think the hard work paid off. Like trying on different clothes, it took a while to find the right fit.

Interestingly enough, the two schools that her parents thought were not fantastic fits both put her on waiting lists. Two more schools accepted her but, by that time, were no longer in the running. The final two schools were the key players and merited a return trip. These visits solidified her choice.

So this past spring break, we made one more journey to the East Coast. We attempted to simulate what going to these schools would be like for her. When we got off the plane, she did not go with me to pick up the rental car but found her way to the campus using public transportation. She spent solo time on both campuses, sat in on classes, ate with students, and visited dorms. 

By the time she competed her second spring break campus visit, we all knew the choice. We went home and filled out forms and sent in a deposit. Done! 

And that is the “other” news, because it really isn’t bad. Now we will be living the college process – just not searching. Now we start to prepare our daughter for life at college (and life at home without her for us). Now we start packing, planning, and paying! 

We just signed up for summer orientation, which involves both the incoming students and their parents. The college charges a fee for this! I made three sets of hotel and air reservations: orientation, the big August drop off, and parents’ weekend. I feel like a travel agent. 

We are asking questions of other families: Since we can’t drive out to the college due to our schedules, how do you get clothes and dorm materials to school? Shipping? Schlepping on the plane? Purchasing once there? How often do kids come home? Do they book one-way airfares? How did your child get his or her first credit card? We are full of college life questions. 

A ton of emails and envelopes are coming into the house regarding health insurance, registration, finances, and many other new college tasks. The process is far from over. We have found our college (and I use “our” because mom and dad, like it or not, must be very much involved). Getting there is half the fun, but it is only half. In this case, it could be less then half! 

Of course, we have another child. We get two years off before we search again! College number two, where are U?

The Problem with the Pick Up Line

My kids need me to schlep them around. While it is not the best part of parenting, the conversations in the car are often nice. However, when they can move themselves to their classes, activities, and rehearsals, it is a wonderful thing. I am so grateful for busses, carpools, bikes, and Deerfield’s small size.

Yet, I often observe a long time of cars behind the high school at 2:45 in the afternoon waiting to pick up students. The last class starts at about 2:20 and ends at 3:14. This means these parents arrive at school between fifteen to thirty minutes early. These are parents with wait problems! And there aren’t just a few of them. I have counted as many as thirty vehicles.

I can understand doing this if I needed to whisk my child away to an important appointment. That doesn’t happen often. Could that many kids need a fast getaway? We don’t do many after school appointments because my children are involved in athletics, stage crew, plays, and clubs after school and are rarely willing or available to leave at the end of the class day.

That clearly isn’t the case for the waiting parents’ kids. By 3:10, the line of cars is enormous and fills the entire parking lot and the road leading to it. Why are so many parents willing to wait on their kids and why are these kids leaving school so soon?

Some people live too close to school to qualify for bussing but that doesn’t mean they need to pick up their children as soon as the final bell rings. In fact, these parents would save time if they arrived a few minutes later. By 3:30, the pick up line is gone! And if you live so close to school you don’t get bus service, does that mean your children could bike or walk? Living close doesn’t disqualify kids from taking advantage of the wonderful activities that happen after school.

After school activities are one of the most important parts of high school. Some research suggests they are just as important to children’s later success as the academics! So why are all these kids leaving at the end of the day? Because their parents are waiting to take them home? Perhaps some of them are involved in outside of school activities like Girl Scouts or volunteering. Maybe some of them have jobs. Maybe some hear the call of video games, TV, Facebook, and mommy.

Parents’ driving in the pick up line is uneven at best. Many parents drive with no regard for safety; they speed out of the parking lot, ignore laws and the school’s rules. They are so glad to get their darlings back. Many are on cell phones, which is now illegal near a school. Many are driving enormous vehicles but pick up only one child.

Almost all of the cars are running while they wait. They not only have time to burn, gas and money are no object either. And we haven’t mentioned the fact that we have a parking lot full of student vehicles!

So what is really happening here?

This could be just another example of enabling parents; parents who are enmeshed with their kids and must get them home as soon as possible. Or maybe it a case of kids who can manipulate their parents into being their chauffeurs. It is probably a little of these and more.

It is time to get rid of the pick up line. What’s my sign? Stop! Get out of the pick up line; our time is too valuable and there are so many better things to do!