Recently, I was listening to
an
episode of This American Life that talked about parents who were seeking
human growth hormones for their children (usually their sons) because they
wanted them to be taller. There was nothing medically wrong with their
children, they just didn’t want them to be short. They wanted to give them the
most advantages they could, and if a drug could give them height, they saw this
as a good thing. Of course, you can guess the other part of this equation; these
were affluent suburban parents.
In the past, if you were short, you had no choice. Parents
of short children, often short themselves, would teach their kids what that
meant and how it might be different than being other heights. And even though
there is not much long-term data on the effects of synthetic human growth
hormone on otherwise healthy kids, parents can now have a cosmetic medical
procedure and none of that parenting is necessary.
Similarly, if a child is not doing well in school, a parent
can ask the school to do testing. Sometimes that testing shows a learning
issue. Sometimes it does not. Sometimes, a child’s performance in class,
according to the school, may not even warrant the testing. No problem. Parents
can go to doctors and others who will take their money and do the testing. Is
it surprising that, when the parent is paying for the testing, often they find
something that would suggest that the child should receive special services at
school – or a drug to help them focus – or accommodations on testing, such as
additional testing time on college entrance exams? Such a deal!
And what about those exams? When I was preparing for
college, we just took the test. We looked at the booklet that came with the
sign-up sheet to make sure we didn’t fill out the forms incorrectly. I don’t
remember my parents being involved at all. That is not the case today –for this
same set of affluent parents. There is an industry of people who will tutor and
prepare and sculpt and shape children so that they score better and better each
time they take the tests!
The whole process of applying to college is so messy. In our
house, we limited “college talk” to certain times and days so it didn’t
overwhelm us or outshine other important parts of our lives. However, some
parents don’t want to be the “bad guys” and nag their kids to finish the applications
and essays. They worry that neither they nor their children will be able to
meet the high standards that the “best” colleges require. So they get help.
They hire people who will “help” them select the “right” schools and take the
courses they will need to be admitted. They “assist” students in filling out
their applications. Others will “coach” students on their essays. Such a deal!
Many of these moms and dads are more like executive parents.
They don’t do the actual parenting. They don’t get their hands dirty or get
down in the trenches with the kids. They hire people for that. Their job is to
manage all the doctors, tutors, coaches, drugs, teachers, and other helpers who do the
real day-to-day parenting.
There is something downright medieval about this. I think of
Juliet’s nurse and Juliet’s mother. The nurse is the real parent who knows
about the ins and outs of Juliet’s secret affair. Lady Capulet is not only
clueless, she is destructive because she believes she knows what is best when
in reality, she barely knows her daughter. She only knows the image of her
daughter that she wants the world to see.
And therein lies the rub. These parental proxies are trying
to make kids into someone’s vision of the best and brightest. The children
don’t do the real work. They are led, trained, and directed – and they have had
little to no say in the direction they are being marched. They may believe that
what their folks want is what they want – or not. It doesn’t really matter.
No wonder, when they finally get out of their parents’
homes, they flounder. The assumption is that, if we provide them with the best
proxy parents, they will flourish. The real work of parenting is challenging
and difficult. It is a test of values, will, and intelligence. It is a task
that must be done with spouses, grandparents, teachers, neighbors, and
siblings. But when we farm it out to consultants and concoctions, we risk
getting a very different result than when children are helped to become self-sufficient, independent, thoughtful people - by people who love them.
I wonder who we can hire to be sure our children are kind
and empathetic? After all, they are going to select our assisted living
facility. Oh, never mind; they’ll hire a consultant to make that decision for
them.
