My son just received his park district basketball team assignment and it has me wondering. While I have seen great value in these community sports programs, I am concerned about the way the teams are put together. As an educator and a parent, I have some questions about the way these organizations function. I wonder if the jury-rigging of the teams is really for the kids’ benefit or for the glory of the adults who coach them.
Each time a coach calls our house or the email arrives with a schedule and roster, my son’s first question is, “Who is on my team?” As we move from game to game, the composition of the teams is always an interesting and sometimes disturbing revelation. I am a classroom teacher and I know how difficult it is to put together “even” groups. Kids change and grow. A mediocre player one season may turn into a strong player the next. Yet, I have never been in a league where the distribution of kids was balanced.
Most of the leagues in our community use a draft to put together teams. Of course the coaches’ kids are on their team. This gives coaches a great deal of control of the team and clearly creates customized groups. There are seven boys my son’s grade in our neighborhood. He has been in class with all of them throughout the years. However, for all the team sports he has played and all the teams he has been on, he has only been with one of these boys on one team – ever! All of these boys have been in most, if not all of the same leagues. We are talking about twice as many teams than classes at school. How is this possible?
So my child gets to make new friends. So my child is not as proficient in sports as these other boys. Each season, these boys’ teams, the ones their fathers coach, are the fantastic teams. They are the teams that have several very athletically talents kids. They are the teams that have three skilled pitchers, or boys who are very tall, or extra older boys. While every coach will tell you that winning is not the focus, learning is the focus, the team composition reveals the truth of the matter.
My kids have had a wide range of coaches and all of them have been well intentioned. However, some have been more skilled than others. Only some are good at communicating with parents. Only a handful are good at connecting with the kids. And very few are good coaches. Not that long ago, we had a coach who made sure that each player got to try each position frequently. He had a line up ready in advance and printed out and posted on the fence. The strongest and weakest players all got chances to be in the “plum” spots. He affirmed all the children and complimented them far more than he pointed out problems. When he did point out issues, he instructed and demonstrated. He was not a professional teacher but I think he may have missed his calling. His gentle shouts from the bench were ones of encouragement and praise. The composition of the team was secondary, the coach made sure of that. However, this is the exception far more than the rule.
Children’s sports can teach so many important lessons. They can teach kids about exercise and teamwork. They can be about navigating relationships and learning skills. They can be a balance to the intensity of academic study. Or they can be about doing what it takes to win and learning who is on top and who sucks. Kids (and some adults) might make it about the later. It is adults’ obligation to guide them to the former. Can we let go of grabbing the “good” kids? Can we put the skill need before the social need? Can winning take a back seat to fair play and love of the game? Community sports programs: please put the children’s needs first!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Fostering Children's Autonomy
My nine-year-old son sat at the kitchen table and looked like he was about to cry. In front of him was a luscious piece of chocolate cake in a plastic container. For ten minutes, he struggled to get the container open. Behind him was his frazzled grandmother, with her hands extended to relieve the little guy of his frustration and give him the delicious dessert. The mean and evil father (me) had prevented her from helping by uttering the simple words, “Let him do it himself.”
Yes, it would have been easier to just open the box for my son. Yes, he would have been happier if his grandmother had rushed to his rescue. He would have adored his daddy even more than he did when I gave him the special dessert. So what is the downside of helping a little kid open a difficult container? Everything.
I want a great deal for my children. Of course I want them to be happy. It would be nice if they had good feelings about their parents. But more than these, I want them to grow up to be competent, contributing, independent adults. Problem solving is the heart of autonomy. Self-respect and confidence are its offspring. This is the core of what I believe as a parent and as a teacher. My prime directive is: Do nothing that undercuts the independence of the child. Or put in the positive: do everything possible to foster the child’s ability to be self-reliant.
How do our children learn that they have power? What is the nature of that power? Too often, we see children manipulating adults, often their parents or teachers. Screams of, “I hate you!” or “You don’t love me” are a kind of emotional blackmail and kids learn its effectiveness. Shows of helplessness, tears, and tantrums frequently succeed in getting children out of challenging situations. What have we taught them?
Children learn that their power consists of manipulating us to use our power on their behalf; it must be begged, stolen or tricked from us. They do not have any power inherently. Is that what we want? Is that true? Is that good?
Where does self worth come from? It comes from competence! We may assist our children in solving problem and guide them to solutions, but when we do it for them, we are robbing them of the experience of learning how to problem solve.
Instead of doing the homework for my daughter, I asked her questions about it. I helped her find her own method of problem solving and her own solutions, which were not the ones I would have chosen but they worked just the same. I helped her to figure out the steps instead of telling her what they were. It took some time and lots of patience, but the end result was a child who felt good that she met the challenge and could do it without daddy’s help the next time (which she did!).
We rationalize coming to our children’s rescue. They are so busy, the task is unreasonable, he is so stressed, it makes my life better and on and on. Underneath all of these excuses is that same set of parent centered values: it serves my needs, I want my child to like me, or perhaps it will make my child happier (at least in the short run). These are short sighted, selfish and superficial.
There are times when opening the child’s cake container is what a parent must do. I am not 100% consistent and almost every rule has an exception. However, it is the larger pattern that shapes our kids. Do they expect that, when they run into trouble, they will be bailed out? Do they take initiative and anticipate challenges that may be ahead of them? Do they rely on parental power or do they develop their own?
I quietly coached my son, “You tried that way of opening the box already. What is another way you might open it?” I encouraged him to see how other people had opened their boxes. I gave him time to be frustrated. Yes, he opened the box himself, although it felt like it took a year. Then, he looked up and said, “I can!”
Yes, it would have been easier to just open the box for my son. Yes, he would have been happier if his grandmother had rushed to his rescue. He would have adored his daddy even more than he did when I gave him the special dessert. So what is the downside of helping a little kid open a difficult container? Everything.
I want a great deal for my children. Of course I want them to be happy. It would be nice if they had good feelings about their parents. But more than these, I want them to grow up to be competent, contributing, independent adults. Problem solving is the heart of autonomy. Self-respect and confidence are its offspring. This is the core of what I believe as a parent and as a teacher. My prime directive is: Do nothing that undercuts the independence of the child. Or put in the positive: do everything possible to foster the child’s ability to be self-reliant.
How do our children learn that they have power? What is the nature of that power? Too often, we see children manipulating adults, often their parents or teachers. Screams of, “I hate you!” or “You don’t love me” are a kind of emotional blackmail and kids learn its effectiveness. Shows of helplessness, tears, and tantrums frequently succeed in getting children out of challenging situations. What have we taught them?
Children learn that their power consists of manipulating us to use our power on their behalf; it must be begged, stolen or tricked from us. They do not have any power inherently. Is that what we want? Is that true? Is that good?
Where does self worth come from? It comes from competence! We may assist our children in solving problem and guide them to solutions, but when we do it for them, we are robbing them of the experience of learning how to problem solve.
Instead of doing the homework for my daughter, I asked her questions about it. I helped her find her own method of problem solving and her own solutions, which were not the ones I would have chosen but they worked just the same. I helped her to figure out the steps instead of telling her what they were. It took some time and lots of patience, but the end result was a child who felt good that she met the challenge and could do it without daddy’s help the next time (which she did!).
We rationalize coming to our children’s rescue. They are so busy, the task is unreasonable, he is so stressed, it makes my life better and on and on. Underneath all of these excuses is that same set of parent centered values: it serves my needs, I want my child to like me, or perhaps it will make my child happier (at least in the short run). These are short sighted, selfish and superficial.
There are times when opening the child’s cake container is what a parent must do. I am not 100% consistent and almost every rule has an exception. However, it is the larger pattern that shapes our kids. Do they expect that, when they run into trouble, they will be bailed out? Do they take initiative and anticipate challenges that may be ahead of them? Do they rely on parental power or do they develop their own?
I quietly coached my son, “You tried that way of opening the box already. What is another way you might open it?” I encouraged him to see how other people had opened their boxes. I gave him time to be frustrated. Yes, he opened the box himself, although it felt like it took a year. Then, he looked up and said, “I can!”
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Frustration and Learning
One night, not long ago, my daughter was in tears over an upcoming test. However, when she first came home from school, she was cavalier about it. She said she knew the material and it was no big deal. She waltzed to the television and plopped herself down. After dinner, she started what she thought was a perfunctory study session. No such luck. She found that the test was going to be on more than the material covered in the last few days of class. In fact, it was material that the teacher never taught! Even with the help of friends, she could not figure it out.
She emailed the teacher, who sent her some instructions. Problem solved, right? Wrong. My daughter’s response was that, although she now had the tools to attack the issue, she wasn’t sure she could do it on her own, let alone manage it under the stressful conditions of a test.
As a teacher, I was upset. Why test kids on material you haven’t taught? What does that prove? Why ask kids to teach themselves complex and difficult material. When she took the test, the teacher decided not to include the skills that caused my daughter such difficulties! All this fuss for nothing!
As a teacher, I am not perfect. I have written unclear instructions. I try new things in every class I teach and some of these work out wonderfully. Some of these end up a good first draft but need revision. While I am fanatical about planning and timing, I have had times where even my best-laid plans have been caught in the mousetrap.
I hope that experiences like these make me both a better teacher and a better dad. In elementary school, my kids had a thirty-minute rule. If they struggled with something for thirty minutes and could not understand it, then they could stop and talk to the teacher the next day. Could I have a similar rule? Could there be some kind of emergency cord that kids could pull when they get to the end of their ropes? How could I create something like that for my students.
A little frustration fosters growth. Learning only occurs when we reach the end of “I know how” and step off! However, too much frustration stifles learning. The difference between the two depends on each child. Some children will stick with a challenging task and thrive. Others are not as hearty and cannot cope with that same amount of frustration. One size never fits them all. Dealing with this learning process is a skill. If we rob students of all of the frustration, we will also rob them of their learning and their independence.
If we are doing our jobs well as teachers and parents, we are helping our students to independently cope with school challenges. We are providing them resources and skills to problem solve and manage both their workloads and emotions. A discussion about “what do we do when we can’t figure out the homework” would be helpful in class and at home.
This may be more valuable than the skills taught in any one subject. The ability to manage stress and frustration, to persist and stick with a difficult task, and to use learning resources is the curriculum that really counts!
That teacher whose test brought my child to tears may have, inadvertently, done some good. But I can do better. I may still be the villain at someone’s dinner table, but I must teach my kids, both at home and at school, how to face the inevitable high school challenges.
She emailed the teacher, who sent her some instructions. Problem solved, right? Wrong. My daughter’s response was that, although she now had the tools to attack the issue, she wasn’t sure she could do it on her own, let alone manage it under the stressful conditions of a test.
As a teacher, I was upset. Why test kids on material you haven’t taught? What does that prove? Why ask kids to teach themselves complex and difficult material. When she took the test, the teacher decided not to include the skills that caused my daughter such difficulties! All this fuss for nothing!
As a teacher, I am not perfect. I have written unclear instructions. I try new things in every class I teach and some of these work out wonderfully. Some of these end up a good first draft but need revision. While I am fanatical about planning and timing, I have had times where even my best-laid plans have been caught in the mousetrap.
I hope that experiences like these make me both a better teacher and a better dad. In elementary school, my kids had a thirty-minute rule. If they struggled with something for thirty minutes and could not understand it, then they could stop and talk to the teacher the next day. Could I have a similar rule? Could there be some kind of emergency cord that kids could pull when they get to the end of their ropes? How could I create something like that for my students.
A little frustration fosters growth. Learning only occurs when we reach the end of “I know how” and step off! However, too much frustration stifles learning. The difference between the two depends on each child. Some children will stick with a challenging task and thrive. Others are not as hearty and cannot cope with that same amount of frustration. One size never fits them all. Dealing with this learning process is a skill. If we rob students of all of the frustration, we will also rob them of their learning and their independence.
If we are doing our jobs well as teachers and parents, we are helping our students to independently cope with school challenges. We are providing them resources and skills to problem solve and manage both their workloads and emotions. A discussion about “what do we do when we can’t figure out the homework” would be helpful in class and at home.
This may be more valuable than the skills taught in any one subject. The ability to manage stress and frustration, to persist and stick with a difficult task, and to use learning resources is the curriculum that really counts!
That teacher whose test brought my child to tears may have, inadvertently, done some good. But I can do better. I may still be the villain at someone’s dinner table, but I must teach my kids, both at home and at school, how to face the inevitable high school challenges.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Carpools Need Lifeguards
On Saturday, April 18, 2009, five children were killed when their car ran off the road and into a waterway in Texas. According to CNN, the driver was not only distracted by his cell phone but failed a field sobriety test.
Who is driving your children? When you participate in a carpool, do you know how the other parents drive? We rationalize car pools because they are convenient and often take kids very short distances. But many accidents happen close to home.
I often see dangerous driving. More often, I see driving that is not dangerous, but just sloppy, rude and thoughtless. I do not want to put my kids in any of car driven that way. I participate in only a few carpools, and only with people whose driving I trust.
We all know good trustworthy people who are poor drivers. Being a good friend, capable worker, or intelligent person does not automatically make someone a safe driver. We sometimes over generalize and assume that, because she is a kind person, she must be competent behind the wheel. Perhaps that is wishful thinking.
This raises two questions: what kind of driver do you want moving your children and how would you know if the members of your carpool are that type of driver? The first question is far easier to answer than the second.
Good drivers are those who put the safety of those in and around their cars before all other concerns. Good drivers obey the law, pick up and parking regulations, and are polite and defensive drivers.
Observe the driving of parents at your children’s school and activities. Who drives as if she or he is in a rush? Safe drivers are never in a hurry behind the wheel. Who puts a child under the age of twelve in the front seat? It is easier to put a child in the front passenger seat when the only spot left is in the middle of a bench seat. That is both illegal in our state and unsafe. A smaller person will be seriously injured, if not killed, should the airbag deploy. Who is on his or her cell phone while driving? It is now illegal to use a cell phone in a school zone in our state. Who ignores speed limits, restricted parking, and other rules and guidelines? In our state, you must have your lights on if you are using your windshield wipers. While that seems like common sense, see who fails to do this. I do not want my child in these people’s cars!
Who uses signals regularly? Who moves very slowly in parking lots? Who is patient? Who thinks ahead, for example, leaving space for the bus to get in and out before it actually arrives at school. Who do you see insisting on seat belts and car seats? Who makes certain that kids only enter a car on the curbside? Who maintains order in his or her car?
You may or may not be able to spot these characteristics in the school pick up line. It is very difficult to figure out if those in your carpool are safe drivers. It is even more difficult to have a conversation about it because all parents will say, “Of course I put safety first and obey the laws!” Talk is cheap.
Yet, it is a conversation that could save our children’s lives. It may be easier to do so as part of a parent meeting. Carpool guidelines or pledges could be circulated through school newsletters. That could open the door to including them with the actual carpool schedule. While it may be awkward and uncomfortable to discuss these issues with other parents, it will be far worse when there is a car crash (is it really an “accident”?) and fingers are pointing.
Our kids will eventually be drivers. They will take their cue from us. If we ignore the rules, take short cuts and place convenience before safety, they are going to do the same thing. So listen to that nagging doubt when your child gets into certain cars and choose your carpool drivers carefully.
Who is driving your children? When you participate in a carpool, do you know how the other parents drive? We rationalize car pools because they are convenient and often take kids very short distances. But many accidents happen close to home.
I often see dangerous driving. More often, I see driving that is not dangerous, but just sloppy, rude and thoughtless. I do not want to put my kids in any of car driven that way. I participate in only a few carpools, and only with people whose driving I trust.
We all know good trustworthy people who are poor drivers. Being a good friend, capable worker, or intelligent person does not automatically make someone a safe driver. We sometimes over generalize and assume that, because she is a kind person, she must be competent behind the wheel. Perhaps that is wishful thinking.
This raises two questions: what kind of driver do you want moving your children and how would you know if the members of your carpool are that type of driver? The first question is far easier to answer than the second.
Good drivers are those who put the safety of those in and around their cars before all other concerns. Good drivers obey the law, pick up and parking regulations, and are polite and defensive drivers.
Observe the driving of parents at your children’s school and activities. Who drives as if she or he is in a rush? Safe drivers are never in a hurry behind the wheel. Who puts a child under the age of twelve in the front seat? It is easier to put a child in the front passenger seat when the only spot left is in the middle of a bench seat. That is both illegal in our state and unsafe. A smaller person will be seriously injured, if not killed, should the airbag deploy. Who is on his or her cell phone while driving? It is now illegal to use a cell phone in a school zone in our state. Who ignores speed limits, restricted parking, and other rules and guidelines? In our state, you must have your lights on if you are using your windshield wipers. While that seems like common sense, see who fails to do this. I do not want my child in these people’s cars!
Who uses signals regularly? Who moves very slowly in parking lots? Who is patient? Who thinks ahead, for example, leaving space for the bus to get in and out before it actually arrives at school. Who do you see insisting on seat belts and car seats? Who makes certain that kids only enter a car on the curbside? Who maintains order in his or her car?
You may or may not be able to spot these characteristics in the school pick up line. It is very difficult to figure out if those in your carpool are safe drivers. It is even more difficult to have a conversation about it because all parents will say, “Of course I put safety first and obey the laws!” Talk is cheap.
Yet, it is a conversation that could save our children’s lives. It may be easier to do so as part of a parent meeting. Carpool guidelines or pledges could be circulated through school newsletters. That could open the door to including them with the actual carpool schedule. While it may be awkward and uncomfortable to discuss these issues with other parents, it will be far worse when there is a car crash (is it really an “accident”?) and fingers are pointing.
Our kids will eventually be drivers. They will take their cue from us. If we ignore the rules, take short cuts and place convenience before safety, they are going to do the same thing. So listen to that nagging doubt when your child gets into certain cars and choose your carpool drivers carefully.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Summer's Been Great; Bring on the School Year!
Remember how it felt to go back to school after summer vacation? Most of us would have preferred the vacation continue. There are very few people who like the rigor and routine of school more than the freedom and flexibility of summer. Yet, like the end of childhood, the return to school is both inevitable and makes the summer break all the more sweet.
Unlike the end of my school year, my summer vacation really does wind down. As the start of school draws closer, I start to go to school more often. I take all the preparations I’ve been working on and put them on the table. I prepare new handouts. I decorate the classroom and dust off my office. I write letters and email students. Like slowly getting into the swimming pool, I move gently back into academic waters.
I savor summer’s end. The end of the summer usually provides my children with more free time. Camp is over but school hasn’t started. So we go to amusement parks and museums and take little “field trips” together. I try to get my preparations accomplished so that everything is ready at school about a week before the first day of class. That gives me that last week guilt free. And I spent much of that time with my children.
Although I love summer, I am not ready to for it full time. I crave the challenge and energy that I find at school. I am eager to meet new faces and find ways to help kids grow and learn. Even when I do retire, I don’t think it will be one long summer vacation. Summer vacation is rejuvenating and relaxing only because I get to use those new energies again. What use is the recharged battery if there is no outlet for its power?
At the end of the school year, I am glad to walk out the door. I am fed up with the papers and politics, the stresses and struggles. But in August, I miss my colleagues and my students. I want to catch up and get back to business. I am ready to return. I know the challenges ahead of me, and I am ready for them. My patience bucket is full again.
By using a nice part of my summer to prepare for school, I create more free time during the year. I call this amortizing my summer. If I can do much of my lesson planning during the summer, I can focus on other concerns during the school year. That could be contacting a parent or taking on a new project. It may mean trying an experiment like using Twitter in the classroom, or creating a literature podcast or working with a teacher in training. This way I can have a tiny taste of summer all year long. And working on schoolwork during the summer doesn’t taint the summer. It allows me to slow down and see things from a distance.
The flip answer to “how was your summer?” often is “not long enough” and that is usually the case for winter and spring breaks. But it is not my summer answer. I will miss the summer, that is certain. Yet, summer would not be as precious if it were year round. As I have written before, the cycles of school are powerful. They rejuvenate me and ask me to reflect and renew.
Am I ready to go back to school? Almost. School starts in one week and I’ve just about memorized my new class lists. I will have difficulty sitting through the pre-school in-services because I am so eager to meet my new kids. Bring on the students, bring on the school year!
Unlike the end of my school year, my summer vacation really does wind down. As the start of school draws closer, I start to go to school more often. I take all the preparations I’ve been working on and put them on the table. I prepare new handouts. I decorate the classroom and dust off my office. I write letters and email students. Like slowly getting into the swimming pool, I move gently back into academic waters.
I savor summer’s end. The end of the summer usually provides my children with more free time. Camp is over but school hasn’t started. So we go to amusement parks and museums and take little “field trips” together. I try to get my preparations accomplished so that everything is ready at school about a week before the first day of class. That gives me that last week guilt free. And I spent much of that time with my children.
Although I love summer, I am not ready to for it full time. I crave the challenge and energy that I find at school. I am eager to meet new faces and find ways to help kids grow and learn. Even when I do retire, I don’t think it will be one long summer vacation. Summer vacation is rejuvenating and relaxing only because I get to use those new energies again. What use is the recharged battery if there is no outlet for its power?
At the end of the school year, I am glad to walk out the door. I am fed up with the papers and politics, the stresses and struggles. But in August, I miss my colleagues and my students. I want to catch up and get back to business. I am ready to return. I know the challenges ahead of me, and I am ready for them. My patience bucket is full again.
By using a nice part of my summer to prepare for school, I create more free time during the year. I call this amortizing my summer. If I can do much of my lesson planning during the summer, I can focus on other concerns during the school year. That could be contacting a parent or taking on a new project. It may mean trying an experiment like using Twitter in the classroom, or creating a literature podcast or working with a teacher in training. This way I can have a tiny taste of summer all year long. And working on schoolwork during the summer doesn’t taint the summer. It allows me to slow down and see things from a distance.
The flip answer to “how was your summer?” often is “not long enough” and that is usually the case for winter and spring breaks. But it is not my summer answer. I will miss the summer, that is certain. Yet, summer would not be as precious if it were year round. As I have written before, the cycles of school are powerful. They rejuvenate me and ask me to reflect and renew.
Am I ready to go back to school? Almost. School starts in one week and I’ve just about memorized my new class lists. I will have difficulty sitting through the pre-school in-services because I am so eager to meet my new kids. Bring on the students, bring on the school year!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
When The Kids Are Away, Dad Misses Them
Soon, I will drive to Michigan to pick up my children. About four weeks ago, my daughter left for overnight camp. A few days later, my son joined her. Tonight, I sit in a very quiet house. Since my wife and I are both educators, when our children are away, we have long days of freedom. It is lovely and we enjoy it. We often spend part of these weeks traveling. Or when we are at home, we try catch up on movies, reading, and finding those wonderful restaurants that don’t serve the orange food that my son requires.
Yet, there is another side to my children’s absence. I do my best not to be one of “those” parents who hover and protect, enable and smother. I work against those instincts when I am aware of them. I think it is important that my children have time away from their home and parents. But I miss them. I really, really miss them.
I love the time my wife and I get to spend alone while they are gone. We usually take an annual “honeymoon” and, while we are away, it seems fair. They are on vacation and we are on vacation. We communicate with our children the old fashion way by the written word. Of course, no matter where we are, we scourer the camp website for their photographs. As long as I am distracted by a novel location and the thrill of new sights, I can fend off the longing for my kids.
But we don’t stay away as long as they are at camp. Yes, I throw myself into work. I prepare lesson plans and get the first two or three (or four) weeks of handouts copied and organized. I decorate my classroom and get ready for the start of another school year. I focus on the children who will enter my classroom and it distracts me from thoughts about my own children.
My son writes us micro-letters from camp. They are a few sentences long and communicate feeling far more than fact. Between his letters and the photos, we get a blurry view of his camp experience. My daughter, however, is a CIT, a counselor in training. She calls us periodically. She tells us about her campers, how the counselors are treating her, what happened during the day. I just listen and restrain my desire to give too much advice. Fortunately, I cannot call her. She must call me.
Recently, a friend’s Facebook status was that he was missing his kids because they were with his ex-wife for the weekend. Since my kids just left for camp, I understood his statement in a new way. I winced, thinking about a system that would make me feel this way every week or month.
Then, another thought occurred to me: college! My daughter is only two years away from leaving the nest for more than four weeks. Oh, yes, but I will not be limited to letters or one way calling. I can call whenever I want or email or send a Facebook message or…uh-oh.
So perhaps the upside of this separation is that is helping all of us see our relationships anew. It is providing us with needed distance and independence. No matter how much you love each other, some time apart is healthy. I must stop writing this blog entry now because I need to get to the camp website. It is my daily fix of my children and I really need it!
Yet, there is another side to my children’s absence. I do my best not to be one of “those” parents who hover and protect, enable and smother. I work against those instincts when I am aware of them. I think it is important that my children have time away from their home and parents. But I miss them. I really, really miss them.
I love the time my wife and I get to spend alone while they are gone. We usually take an annual “honeymoon” and, while we are away, it seems fair. They are on vacation and we are on vacation. We communicate with our children the old fashion way by the written word. Of course, no matter where we are, we scourer the camp website for their photographs. As long as I am distracted by a novel location and the thrill of new sights, I can fend off the longing for my kids.
But we don’t stay away as long as they are at camp. Yes, I throw myself into work. I prepare lesson plans and get the first two or three (or four) weeks of handouts copied and organized. I decorate my classroom and get ready for the start of another school year. I focus on the children who will enter my classroom and it distracts me from thoughts about my own children.
My son writes us micro-letters from camp. They are a few sentences long and communicate feeling far more than fact. Between his letters and the photos, we get a blurry view of his camp experience. My daughter, however, is a CIT, a counselor in training. She calls us periodically. She tells us about her campers, how the counselors are treating her, what happened during the day. I just listen and restrain my desire to give too much advice. Fortunately, I cannot call her. She must call me.
Recently, a friend’s Facebook status was that he was missing his kids because they were with his ex-wife for the weekend. Since my kids just left for camp, I understood his statement in a new way. I winced, thinking about a system that would make me feel this way every week or month.
Then, another thought occurred to me: college! My daughter is only two years away from leaving the nest for more than four weeks. Oh, yes, but I will not be limited to letters or one way calling. I can call whenever I want or email or send a Facebook message or…uh-oh.
So perhaps the upside of this separation is that is helping all of us see our relationships anew. It is providing us with needed distance and independence. No matter how much you love each other, some time apart is healthy. I must stop writing this blog entry now because I need to get to the camp website. It is my daily fix of my children and I really need it!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Street Smart or Street Stupid?
When we say, “street smarts,” we are usually talking about practical knowledge. People who are street smart, as opposed to book smart, have practical knowledge and can handle themselves in rough and tumble situations.
I want to talk about street smarts in a more literal way. I am concerned that people are not smart in the street. In other words, that their behavior as the drive and bicycle makes me wonder if we need a new term: street stupid. My daughter is a brand new driver and is often shocked at how poorly many people drive. I told her, “Not all people are poor drivers, but most of them are.” I think too many of us are street stupid and it could be deadly.
Yesterday, I saw a dad riding bicycles with his two children. Both children were wearing helmets but Dad was not. I can see the situation: Dad hits one of the many potholes in our streets and is incapacitated. Now what do the kids do? Perhaps dad is either so hardheaded or stupid that a helmet won’t make a difference. If we want our children to take proper safety precautions, what message do we send them when we fail to take those precautions ourselves? Unless there is nothing in your head worth protecting, why not wear a helmet? We need to model street smarts for our kids!
As I continue to teach my daughter to drive, I instructed her to always assume a bicycle will ignore the traffic rules. It is such a wonderful and rare exception when a bike stops at a stop sign. It is my experience that many bikes don’t even stop at traffic lights. Forget about riding in a single file line, many bikes are all over the road. Too many times, I come around a curve or turn a corner to find a bicycle heading directly toward me. Usually that rider has no helmet. Duh!
Street stupidity by bikers is liable to get them hurt or killed. When car drivers are street stupid, they are more likely to kill innocent people. How hard is it to turn on the headlights of your car? The car creates electric power, so there is no cost. The bulbs last for a long time. In my state, the law requires motorists to use their headlights if they have their windshield wipers on. Wait a minute. Isn’t that common sense? Next time it is raining or there is fog, count the number of cars without headlights on. Stupidity is rampant.
However, the place where street stupidity is an epidemic is the use of cell phones while driving. There has been a great deal of coverage of this issue in the popular press - using a cell phone, even if it is with some kind of hands-free device, is a driving distraction akin to drunk driving. How many times have you passed a driver going too slowly, driving dangerously, or not paying attention only to see that driver talking on a phone? But of course, we are better than that. We can talk on our phones and drive safely. Can we? Really? Always?
Driving while texting boggles my mind. It is in another universe from any of the other forms of street stupidity. According to the New York Times, people sending text messages will look away from the road for as much as five seconds. Think about how far a car going only thirty miles an hour can travel in five seconds. Think about the damage it can do. According to a Pew Research Center report, 27 percent of all adults and 26 percent of teens report sending text messages while driving! That means that one or more of the drivers near you on the road is probably looking at the phone and not the road.
So here is the gambit: is the cell phone call or text message worth an accident? Is it worth someone’s life? That is a loaded question. I thought about starting this posting with a quiz on each of these issues. But everyone knows the right answers. No sane, reasonable person would say that a text message or phone call was worth the pain an accident, even a minor one, would cause. Then why are so many people street stupid?
We can only hope that they don’t hurt people close to us.
I want to talk about street smarts in a more literal way. I am concerned that people are not smart in the street. In other words, that their behavior as the drive and bicycle makes me wonder if we need a new term: street stupid. My daughter is a brand new driver and is often shocked at how poorly many people drive. I told her, “Not all people are poor drivers, but most of them are.” I think too many of us are street stupid and it could be deadly.
Yesterday, I saw a dad riding bicycles with his two children. Both children were wearing helmets but Dad was not. I can see the situation: Dad hits one of the many potholes in our streets and is incapacitated. Now what do the kids do? Perhaps dad is either so hardheaded or stupid that a helmet won’t make a difference. If we want our children to take proper safety precautions, what message do we send them when we fail to take those precautions ourselves? Unless there is nothing in your head worth protecting, why not wear a helmet? We need to model street smarts for our kids!
As I continue to teach my daughter to drive, I instructed her to always assume a bicycle will ignore the traffic rules. It is such a wonderful and rare exception when a bike stops at a stop sign. It is my experience that many bikes don’t even stop at traffic lights. Forget about riding in a single file line, many bikes are all over the road. Too many times, I come around a curve or turn a corner to find a bicycle heading directly toward me. Usually that rider has no helmet. Duh!
Street stupidity by bikers is liable to get them hurt or killed. When car drivers are street stupid, they are more likely to kill innocent people. How hard is it to turn on the headlights of your car? The car creates electric power, so there is no cost. The bulbs last for a long time. In my state, the law requires motorists to use their headlights if they have their windshield wipers on. Wait a minute. Isn’t that common sense? Next time it is raining or there is fog, count the number of cars without headlights on. Stupidity is rampant.
However, the place where street stupidity is an epidemic is the use of cell phones while driving. There has been a great deal of coverage of this issue in the popular press - using a cell phone, even if it is with some kind of hands-free device, is a driving distraction akin to drunk driving. How many times have you passed a driver going too slowly, driving dangerously, or not paying attention only to see that driver talking on a phone? But of course, we are better than that. We can talk on our phones and drive safely. Can we? Really? Always?
Driving while texting boggles my mind. It is in another universe from any of the other forms of street stupidity. According to the New York Times, people sending text messages will look away from the road for as much as five seconds. Think about how far a car going only thirty miles an hour can travel in five seconds. Think about the damage it can do. According to a Pew Research Center report, 27 percent of all adults and 26 percent of teens report sending text messages while driving! That means that one or more of the drivers near you on the road is probably looking at the phone and not the road.
So here is the gambit: is the cell phone call or text message worth an accident? Is it worth someone’s life? That is a loaded question. I thought about starting this posting with a quiz on each of these issues. But everyone knows the right answers. No sane, reasonable person would say that a text message or phone call was worth the pain an accident, even a minor one, would cause. Then why are so many people street stupid?
We can only hope that they don’t hurt people close to us.
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