Putting the Social in Social Network: Facebook Thanksgiving

I am aware that there are issues with Facebook. I try to stay out of the political kerfuffles, and I am freaked out when the item I just bought at the store appears in my feed. I wish that Facebook would do a better job of upholding reasonable standards of accuracy.  

But that isn’t why I am on Facebook or Instagram. That isn’t how I use it.

I am there because I love thinking of you! I want to hear about your life. I am delighted to see your posts and photos because they remind me of you. It really is that simple.

Some people talk about the massive time-wasting potential of Facebook, and I am certainly guilty of avoiding productive work by scrolling through my feed. Yet, I leave that experience feeling good. Someone has a new job. Someone’s child did something cute. Someone is having a great time on vacation. Someone posted a funny meme.

It almost doesn’t matter what you post because the words and images bring you to my mind, and that is why I am there. Even when your post is not all sun and rainbows.

Sometimes, Facebook posts help us help each other. Sometimes they are calls for support. I have learned about sad events and funerals I needed to attend through Facebook. I have been able to be a voice in the chorus of support through Facebook. I have been able to reach out through Facebook.

I understand that we get bent out of shape about far more consequential issues. They are important. We need to address them. We must examine all information, on and offline, through a critical lens. We must hold each other and our communication vehicles responsible.

But my Facebook use does not have that kind of weight. I'm here to wish people a happy birthday. I'm here because, as I have written many times before, I'm not good at letting go. The information on Facebook gives me a momentary glimpse into the lives of my former students, colleagues, friends, relatives, and people who live near and far, almost all of whom I do not get to see regularly.

A friend said to me that he thought Facebook was problematic because it provided the illusion of closeness. We get some photos or words and thus feel connected when we should really pick up the phone or go visit someone. It is a cheat and a trap. I see his point.

But I am not sure I would or could have personal contact with many of my Facebook friends. That isn’t to say I wouldn’t want to, but it is not feasible. Sometimes all I really want or need is a picture or a few words. Sometimes, I call and we go out for lunch or a walk. There is a place for both.

I love meeting up with friends. Yet, many of my Facebook relationships are not that kind. Our connection on Facebook is superficial – and that is enough. It makes me feel happy to just think of you and get a tiny window into your experience.

And for that I am very thankful.

Reading For Treasure: Thinking about Learning

Reading for Treasure is my list of articles that are worth your attention. Click here for an introduction!

Stop Trying to Raise Successful Kids: Kids learn more from what we do and how we behave than what we say. This article from The Atlantic argues that kids know that, although parents say they want their kids to be kind and caring, achievement and happiness is far more important – but in ways you might find surprising, kindness will serve them better in the long run.

I was a Low-Income College Student. Classes Weren’t The Hard Part: Professor Jack of the Harvard Graduate School of Education shares his powerful experiences about being a low-income first generation college student. It is clear from both his story and his experiences as a college professor that our university system neither understands nor adapts to this important population.

How Revising Math Exams Turns Students Into Learners, Not Processors: Thinking about our thinking is metacognition. It is not enough to just solve the problem, we want students to really understand the process and think behind problem-solving. This article from MindShift talks about how a math teacher upended her teaching based on the ideas from writing revision. Math teachers, what do you think of this?

New Study Finds Gifted Programs Favor Wealth Over Ability: There are more wealthy students in gifted programs? Really? I don’t think any of us are surprised. Here is the opening line from this article, “A new study confirms that lower-income elementary students are far less likely than their wealthier counterparts to be placed in gifted programs. That’s even when those students go to the same school and display the same levels of academic achievement.”

Why Some People Become Lifelong Readers: The Atlantic’s article focuses on what parents can do to help their children develop a true love of reading and not merely see it like eating their veggies.

I am currently reading Brand by Henrik Ibsen.

Uncommon Sense: Parenting Pointers: Suggestions from Thirty-Three Years of Teaching: Part 2

We sometimes call them butt wipers; parents who do everything for their children except (or including) wiping their behinds. I am not talking about toddlers, by the way. I am talking about high school and college kids. These smother mothers and do-it-for-them dads rob their children of autonomy and agency. Don’t they know what they are doing? Why aren’t they aware of the effect their over-parenting has on their children?

We must approach parenting as a skill. We must learn from each other and make a conscious effort to be reflective and critical of our own parenting.

I started a list of parenting ideas in an earlier post (put link her). Here is a second list of things that people who work with children wished that parents of middle, high school and perhaps even college kids knew:

Don't lie, and don’t lie for them. This is critically important. Lying is a quick and cheap way of dealing with problems, but it doesn’t solve problems: it creates new problems. It is not an effective or ethical means of meeting life’s challenges, but it is easier. If you provide them with the example and thus the permission to solve problems through deceit, beware: they will use it.

Don't take them out of school. As I have written before, parents who take students out of school for vacations, appointments, special events, and other reasons are clearly demonstrating the value of school. In addition, this creates significant stress when students need to make up what they have missed. Sometimes, the easiest way to deal with that stress is avoidance or deceit. I have seen students who otherwise perform well in school, spiral downwards when faced with what they perceive as an insurmountable amount of work due to absences. Keep them in class!

One sign that a student has an overpowering parent is entitlement behavior. When a parent lays down the red carpet before a child, the child rightfully gets the message that they are super special and should be treated like royalty. Don’t make their lunches. Don’t make their beds. Don’t arrange their social calendars, and don’t do their homework!

These rarified stars often cannot control simple impulses: they cannot take turns in a conversation; they blurt out in the classroom and demand their questions be answered immediately. They are, after all, the real important people in the classroom. The rest of these kids are just there to help them learn. Don’t scoff at this: I have heard students say as much in class. Sometimes they are aware that they just told the class that they matter more than anyone else. More often, they are so used to being center stage that they can’t see outside their spotlight.

An extension of this is parents who believe that the rules do not apply to them. Deadlines are not really deadlines. Due dates can be negotiated, and laws are “guidelines for idiots,” as one person told me. Your kids are watching. If you drive dangerously, allow them to get around curfew, circumvent the system, and treat rules as suggestions at best, beware: they will do the same.

Treat people like people and not like servants. How you relate to your child’s teacher, the secretary at school, the guard as you enter, and other people whom you meet will set the tone for your child’s sense of respect. Be aware of your tone in emails and phone conversations. Kids understand this on a gut level and often in a way they cannot articulate until you hear it from them later.  And the school staff will remember you, but not fondly. Do you want that reputation?

This is only part two of this series. There is more to come; I am finishing a third part. Do you have suggestions that should be included? Please send them to me!

Uncommon Sense: Parenting Pointers from Thirty Years Teaching: Part 1

How do we become good parents? Is it enough to just imitate our own parents? If we had perfect parents and our partner had perfect parents, won’t we be perfect parents, too? Parenting is difficult. No one parents in the same world as their parents. How do we help each other to grow as parents?

Think of the other important roles in your life. As a professional, I have colleagues and coaches and plenty of opportunities for development and learning. In my non-professional activities, I take lessons, go to events, and read to improve my skills.

But parenting is supposed to be somehow automatic. Don’t tell me how to parent because I have always known how. In fact, I was a fantastic parent before I even had kids!

I vividly remember a visit to my Aunt Paula’s house when my daughter was around eighteen months old. She watched me interact with my child and pulled me aside and suggested another way to handle the situation. She gently taught me, in the moment, how to improve my parenting.

We must be as aware of our parenting as we are of our other roles. We must work to be reflective and sensitively help our partners and friends. This doesn’t make us parent critics or shamers. This means that we must be conscious parents who are self-critical and recognize that we will make mistakes that need to be addressed. We understand that we have a web of support that includes our partners, parents, friends and even our own children.

It also means that we must have the humility to admit that we don’t know it all, we will make mistakes, and we are never done developing.

With that in mind, here are a few of the lessons I have been taught as a parent and teacher over the past thirty-some years working in the classroom. I brainstormed some of these with my wife, family, and friends. I asked the question: what are some of the most important things you wish the families with whom you worked knew? This is the beginning of this list:

Don’t prevent consequences – even for mistakes. If your child forgets an assignment, they must deal with that. If the lunch didn’t make it to school, let them problem solve. If they got a bad score on a test, coach but don’t direct them to assistance. When the stakes are higher (and the consequences more severe), think long and hard before stepping between your children and the effect of their actions. These tougher moments may be the most important to allow kids to feel the impact of their power.

This leads us directly to the idea that your children must be the primary actors in their own plays. Don’t write the script for them. Don’t call the teacher; instead coach your child to talk to the teacher. Don’t jump in; help your child to learn the skills to be their own advocate!

Don’t make excuses: But he has baseball, she is so busy, this is not something they do well, the teacher is scary, the coach will retaliate, that boy is just difficult, and on and on and on. There are a ton of rationalizations why our children shouldn’t be problem solvers. And while there are exceptions to most rules, be honest about when you are making an exception and when it is easier or more in our interest to take action rather than let the child do the job.

Be honest with yourself: is this for you or is this for the child. It is almost always easier to do something ourselves. It is almost always more effective to play talent agent, stage parent, or social director. We are more skilled than our children and will probably do better taking care of their needs. However, they must learn how to do what we do. Coach them, yes – do it for them, no! Knowing the difference is not difficult, but being honest about it can be.

It is okay to struggle. It is okay to be frustrated. Dealing with obstacles, difficult people, and challenging problems makes us more capable people. From competence comes confidence. Rob the child of the problem-solving pain and you handicap their true adult capability.

“We” are not filling out college applications. “We” don’t have a test tomorrow. “We” are not moving into the dorm. Our language reveals us. When I hear a parent use a collective that should be reserved for royalty (We are not amused), wait staff (What are we having?) or doctors (how do we feel?), it means only one thing: a child’s boundaries are being crossed and then, truly, we have a problem.

Model the behavior you want them to learn. Be on time. Use organizational strategies. Make them an audience to your mature problem solving behavior and show them how adults function. And let them see how your process when you struggle and how you seek help when you need it.

Help your children to see that planning matters. Children live in the here and now (even when they are on their devices) and have trouble understanding how what they do today affects tomorrow. Teach them to think ahead and plan for tomorrow. Show them how what we do now can open or close doors later on.

As parents, we need to coach each other. It is extremely difficult to take feedback on one’s parenting. We don’t have benchmarks or classes or objective ways to measure our effectiveness. This makes it all the more important that we cultivate reflectiveness, work collaboratively with our partners and the important people in our children’s lives (like their teachers), and actively work on improving our prowess as parents.