Until Then, We’re the Security System

Yes, we need gun control. We have needed it for decades. Since the Supreme Court says we can’t ban the weapons, perhaps we should ban the bullets or put high taxes on them and make them very expensive.  

I am pessimistic about Congress passing stricter gun laws. Outrage and anger is appropriate after horrors like the school shooting in Connecticut, the movie theatre shooting in Colorado, the Virginia Tech shooting, the Wisconsin temple shooting – you see the reason for my pessimism.

And while some schools (and shopping malls, movie theaters, and grocery stores) may create airport-like security check points, I am not sure that will be a viable or popular solution. I most certainly don’t want to see teachers (or anyone else) carrying weapons or armed guards outside of schools. The answer to gun violence is not more guns.

I have sent emails to my senators asking, point blank (pun intended), what they are going to do to prevent these events from happening. I have signed online petitions. Perhaps this time, it will be different.

Perhaps.

Until the political cost is high enough, our politicians won’t act. In the mean time, we need another approach. This issue is in our hands. How democratic.

So what do we do? First, we open our eyes and really see each other; we look beyond our boundaries and see the people with whom with share our communities. This doesn’t mean we become spies or snitches, quite the reverse. We reach out. We invite in. We ask, “What can I do to help?” and then we do it. Perhaps we do it before we ask.

As we walk the dog, ride the train, shop in the grocery store, or drop off our children at school, we greet people. We talk to people. We go beyond the superficial and connect. We reach across social lines and talk to new people. We build real and significant relationships and communities.

We can form alliances in our neighborhoods. We can take small and large political action. We can keep this issue from fading into the background until another terrible incident. For example, I wonder what would happen if the “buzz book” school directory had the option to put “weapon free” next to the listing for each home. What message would that send?

Granted, this people based security system is not perfect and will not completely protect our loved one. Neither will the doorbells, cameras, and locks on our children’s schools. This is a supplement. It is one more layer of coverage.

“But I do that! The people in Newtown probably did that, too! It didn’t help them! That isn’t enough.” True, it isn’t enough. We need a country where the mentally ill have better access to healthcare than they do to weapons, and where there is not only a human safety net but also a legal safety net to prevent catastrophes like these mass murders. Regulating or banning weapons would be a good start.  

In the meantime, we must rely on each other.  It is up to us. 

Ageless Apples

A student brought me an apple on my first day at Deerfield High School. It was not just any student. It was a senior varsity football player in my Beginning Acting class. I was twenty-two years old and the youngest teacher in the building. This young man was not only physically bigger than me, he was confident and comfortable. I was new and nervous.

I saved that apple. It sat on my desk and later I put it in a bell jar. I still have it.

Last week, I was at a restaurant with friends and that student stepped out of a booth. He looked at me and I looked at him. It was a wonderful moment. I remembered his name and he began to talk about our class. He remembered far more than I did. I was amazed. I was delighted. It was a marvelous moment and a beautiful gift.

Here we were, twenty-seven years later, talking about our experience together. We are only four years apart in age. His family was with him and much of mine was there. He wants visit his old high school and sit in on my theatre class. I hope he does.

I floated back to my table after our conversation. This is the gift that alumni give me. These brief glimpses into my students' post high school lives are special moments of memory and meaning. They may be the one of the best perks of being a teacher: seeing my students all grown up.

This is one of the reasons I enjoy Facebook. Although I often wish my students wouldn’t graduate, I know that is selfish. My job is help them develop skills so they don’t need me any more. Then they move on. That is how it should be.

But I miss them. I was walking down the hall and I saw a girl far away. For a moment, I thought it was a student from my homeroom. Then I realized she was at college. I had just hoped it was her.

After I left the restaurant, I went to a Shabbat service. One the congregants brought a guest: another former student! She is now a teacher and has children of her own. Twice in one evening, I got to touch the past by seeing the future.

Students stop visiting the high school when they graduate from college. It is rare to have older students visit. However, many of my former students are moving back to Deerfield with their spouses and children. Some are old enough to have kids in high school. It won’t be long until I have a former student’s child in class. That makes me feel old and really good.

I will not see a majority of my former students after they leave high school. I will bump into a handful. I will keep in touch with a few through Facebook or email. A small number have become friends. I have attended many of my former students’ weddings and other special events. I go out for coffee or a meal with several regularly. Most of them call me by my first name now.

The apple in the mason jar looks really ugly. It has not aged well. The kids, on the other hand, are ageless golden apples. They are worth keeping forever. I have faith that those I do not see are productive, happy, and making a difference. Seeing a few of them gives me hope for all of them. And I worry less. 

The Gift of You: My Deerprints Column

My grandmother was the only person I knew who sent a thank-you note for a thank-you note. I remember asking my father if I had to send a thank-you note for her thank-you note for my original thank-you note. But my grandmother knew what she was doing. She knew the importance of gratitude and courtesy, and she was skilled in the art of cultivating and maintaining relationships.

Many years ago, I was startled when a student said, “thank you” as she left our classroom. Usually, students were in the hall before the echo of the bell reverberated off the linoleum. “You’re welcome,” I replied, “and thank you, too!” It wasn’t the “thank you” that stuck with me. It was what it meant and the immediate effect it had on our relationship. It was only a little extra, but it was a special gift nonetheless.

Last spring, a colleague of mine and I spoke at the Shepard promotion ceremonies. Rather than give them lots of advice or brag about D.H.S., we decided to focus on one idea; we told the graduating eighth graders to say, “hi” in the halls. We advised them that building relationships, as much or more than building resumes, was what would make their high school careers meaningful and happy. The extra moment in the hall or classroom is a relationship changer.

In addition to planning for class, grading, going to meetings, and, of course, teaching, many educators spend hundreds of hours writing college recommendations. My wife writes about fifty to sixty letters a year! I write a handful. Of the hundreds of students whom we have helped with the college process, only a few ever acknowledge that effort. A few years ago, when I told parents, gathered at a fall parent meeting, that most students don’t even say the words, “thank you” to the teachers who have written their recommendations, there was an audible gasp.

Every May, I receive two or three emails from freshmen thanking me for my A Tale of Two Cities recordings. I save these emails. If you wrote one to me, I still have it. I have all of them. Want to see them? I have met some wonderful students because they took that little moment to send a note after finishing about eighteen hours of listening to me. I treasure these emails and the relationships they engender.

The theatre program at D.H.S. has a saying that expresses this idea well. They say, “The most important thing is the way we treat each other.” The smile or “hi” in the hall, the thank you at the end of class, the held door, or the quick acknowledgment are gifts we give each other. After all, we live together. We go to school together. We share this community. While we may not be family in the sense that I am not paying for your college tuition (well, I am paying for a select few), we work and learn together. We spend years together.

Our community is more than teachers and students. We build wonderful relationships with secretaries, custodians, teacher aides, security guards, technology staff, and many other people on our Deerfield journeys. They deserve thanks, too. We all have reason to sincerely thank each other. As my students know, I thank them at the end of every class period –and I mean it! When I say, “thank you for flying Freshman English,” (or whichever class it is), it is more than a dismissal. I treasure our time together and the relationships we form.

And I miss my students after they graduate. Many alumni become my friends on Facebook and I treasure each quick glimpse of their post-high school lives through pictures and comments. But my favorite gifts of the season are their visits before Thanksgiving and winter break. On my desk is a picture of my class of 2012 homeroom. I am hoping they stop by over the holidays. I just want to see them. I just want to know that everything is okay. I want to say, “thank you.”

Recently, I have been able to say, “thank you” to one of my teachers. We have been exchanging emails, and we are going to see each other when he comes to town in the summer.  My experience learning with him is one of the reasons I am in education. I am so grateful that I got to study with him and that we have renewed our relationship, a relationship that began in a classroom just like those at D.H.S.

Thanksgiving and the winter holidays are a good time to renew our relationships. This season is an opportunity to look at each other and affirm what we share. I like the holiday gifts that a few students drop off before winter break. Coffee cards and notepads are nice, but the real presents are the relationships.

Long after we have forgotten thesis or theme, formula or fact, we will remember the time we spent together. That is the real reason to celebrate this season. That is why it is so important to treat each other well. That is why “thank you” means so much. 

How To Write A Thank You Note

Saying, “thank you” is important. I have written about my concern that the act of saying, "thank you" is endangered. The thank you note and formally thanking people is another piece of gratitude that seems to be vanishing.

We don’t get many thank you notes any more. We receive them occasionally if my child goes to a bar or bat mitzvah or if we send a gift for a wedding or other special occasion.

Sending a thank you note or a thank you email should feel good to the recipient. It should be sincere gesture of gratitude. However, sometimes these notes seem obligatory and mechanical – and almost insulting.

What makes a strong or weak thank you note? First and foremost, it must be personal. It must be written to me! It should address me by a specific name that reflects the nature of our relationship. For most people, that would be my first name. For my students and formal relationships, it would be Mr. Hirsch. I am not a stickler for “Dear” as an opening. I am fine with “Hi” or “Hello” or just my name. The formality or informality should match the relationship and occasion.

The reason for the thank you note must be named – specifically! Yes, it is sometimes difficult to keep track of who gave what. What is the message in “thank you for your gift”?  This says that the writer doesn’t know what I gave, doesn’t care about it, or wrote a generic note.

I like to see a statement affirming our relationship in a thank you note. This may be as simple as, “It was so nice to see you” or “I miss our Tuesday nights together. Let’s make a date soon.” This is a way of saying that, although the thank you note is focused on whatever was given, the real gift is the bond between the sender and receiver.

Here is a little thank you note formula:

• An opening greeting that names the recipient in a relationally appropriate way
• Direct thank you for what was given, naming it specifically – without minimizing (no “this is just to say”).
• A statement about how the gift was valued, used, or is reflective of the relationship.
• An affirmation of the value of the relationship.
  
• A sincere salutation (it could be “sincerely,” “yours truly,” or even “love” for family)
• The name of the sender – often only the first name

Poor thank you notes are often one sentence and usually do not even name the gift:

Dear Hirsches,

Thank you for your gift and coming to my bar mitzvah

From,

Bullyragged Bar Mitvah Boy

Fair thank you notes have some of the parts and some of the feeling:

Dear Hirsches,

Thank you for the kitchenware. We love to cook.

It was good to see you at our wedding.

All the best,

Tired Couple

Great thank you notes are personal, complete, and make the sender feel good about giving the gift:

Dear Hirsches,

Thank you for the generous contribution in our honor.  We have all lost family members to cancer and your donation really made us think of our relatives and your Aunt Evey, too. We think of her often.

We hope we can get together when we are in town. It won’t be until summer this year but we’ll call you as soon as we know when we’re coming in. We love seeing you and your wonderful family.

May your donation help scientists find cures so we can all grow old together!

Stay happy and healthy,

Your Good Friends From Out of Town

It feels good to give a gift. It feels good to receive one. Expressing our sincere gratitude ties the two together. 

Six Values to Pick A President

We have to talk to each other about politics. Our goal need not be to convince but to converse. So here I go. I want to articulate some of  the values that guide my choices. If I were hiring a president or congressperson or other public official, what would I look for?

Some people are single-issue voters: the hot button makes the decision easy. This may be a specific issue or perhaps a religious or party affiliation. Some insist the candidate subscribe to an overarching philosophy. This is myopic and simplistic. It avoids difficult decision-making.

So how do I make my choice? Here are six values that guide my decisions:

1. Some call it waffling or inconsistency, I call it learning. Our political system is one built on consensus and compromise. I want representatives to be people who can listen and change, give and take. I worry about politicians who make it clear that it is their way or no way at all. That locks us down. It is arrogant; I am suspicious of people who are certain they own the truth with a capital T! I want candidates who believe there is a possibility they are wrong – and then admit it and change!

2. I look for professionalism and intelligence. I want a representative (or doctor or accountant or any other person who “works for me”) to be bright, articulate, and experienced. The idea that we should get rid of professional politicians confuses me. Unless we overhaul the entire system, that would only put our “newbie” at a disadvantage. I don’t want the person speaking for me to be clueless  – or a tool of the more experienced.  

3. I want a candidate who believes we are each other’s keepers. The strong should not be able to do whatever they want to the weak. It is our individual and communal responsibility to cultivate a just and fair society for all people, no matter what their demographics. I oppose the gang, bully, and mob. The majority should not have the ability to wipe out the rights of any minority.

4. I want a modern candidate. There is no turning back the clock. Time moves in one direction only and to wish it would stop or reverse is fantasy. I don’t want candidates who idealize the past. Evolution is just as much a theory as gravity. Any candidate who rejects this is living in the past.

5. My candidate needs to be more creative than combative. It is not enough to say that a policy or law is bad. I want someone who is actively and creatively exploring how to improve it. I don’t want someone who primarily says, “no.” Politicians must have constructive and realistic proposals.

6. It is not about taxes for me. While there may be a short dip down, in the long run, taxes only go one way: up. We have to pay for what we get. We may feel we are being overcharged or would like something that isn’t on the menu (or worry others are getting a better deal) but the money we pay in taxes is necessary. I am skeptical of candidates who promise to reduce my tax burden. To huff and puff about spending is to blow smoke at the real issues. It isn’t the taxes, it is what we do with them. I want candidates who talk about how to spend money rather than making promises about how they will reduce taxes.

Does this make clear for whom I am voting? Perhaps. Yet this is only a piece of my process. But it is a beginning to the dialogue. Let’s talk. 

Let's Talk Politics

It is uncomfortable to discuss the Presidential election with some of my friends. It is a sore subject. On Facebook, there is both serious and lighthearted commentary about political postings. It used to be that money, sex, and religion were the topics that polite people avoided. Now there is a fourth and it is not a good thing.

Party politics has come to resemble religion. Although I would never consider myself a person of “faith,” I am highly religious. But I do not see any politician as a god figure or any party as a church. These are human beings and human created institutions that, as far as I know, have not received the seal of approval from any deity. Yet our political discourse sounds like battling missionaries!

Why do I feel uncomfortable and awkward when the election is mentioned in certain company? Why do people sometimes preface their statements with, “Well, I’m sure you’ll disagree but…” when caution is thrown to the political wind and we briefly and painfully open the subject, only to be reminded by our spouses and friends that “we agreed not to talk about this!”

Why can’t we talk politics? Why is it friendship ending? Why do blood pressures and voices end up raised beyond a healthy level? What is going on here? I wrote last year about my concern that dialogue was dying in our government. Now I am concerned that it is dying around dinner tables and water coolers.

And the old excuse of, “You’re not going to change anyone’s mind anyway” is the fashionable rationalization. Instead of “ conversion,”  could we engage in a conversation that both brings us together and gives us greater understanding? It could be a positive process.

Let’s talk politics. Let’s talk about important issues that affect our families, communities, and nation! Let’s listen to each other. I am suggesting discussion and exploration not debate!

I don’t know everything. I don’t read all the news or follow all the fact checkers and pundits. I pick and choose. Bias from news sources is inevitable. I don’t believe anyone who says that, “the choice is obvious” because if that were true, I could talk about this issue with everyone and we’d all hug and smile. The issues aren’t simple, easy, or clear. And they certainly aren’t black and white. Oversimplifications do not foster good decisions and may be an unethical attempt at persuasion.

And we must have an ethical discussion: one in which we look at issues as fairly and factually as possible.  Can we do it with a computer nearby so we can look things up as we go along? Can we evaluate the information sources together?

It won’t be easy and it won’t be fast. Could that be the real reason we won’t talk? Is it we don’t want to take the time and energy such dialogue will require? We know we’re right and those idiots are wrong, so why waste the effort? Another rationalization that only keeps us apart and in the dark.

The more we refuse to talk to our friends, neighbors, and even family about these areas of disagreement, the wider the chasm grows and the more license we give politicians to do the same. I want progress in Washington! I want members of both parties to talk to each other and create solutions together! I don’t want a one party system! I don’t want a bully system that stomps out its opposition. Minority voices, be they the minority party, minority viewpoints, or minority groups are critical to 

Strike Out For Reform

A teacher strike is different than most other types of union job actions. Teachers are fundamentally different than most other unionized groups. The teacher strike in Chicago was as much for the benefit of the children as it was for the teachers themselves, maybe more so. And while the breakdown in communication and relations that causes a strike is never a good thing, the fact that teachers have come together to advocate for students and schools is critical to the health of our educational system.

No one goes into teaching for the money. While there may be a misguided few who think that children will worship them, prestige isn’t a perk of the job either. And don’t get me wrong, I love my summer break, but the hours and work the rest of the year more than balance out the time; most teachers are ten-month employees anyway. People don’t become teachers for summer vacation.

Given the state of education and the mistrust of teachers right now, there must be something really wrong with a person who wants to get in the middle of this mess – or that person is really dedicated. Why are we beating up the few who are willing to spend so much time, education, and effort to work with children? Why have they become the national scapegoat? And if we continue down this path, will others be foolish enough to become educators?

In the City of Chicago, class sizes vary between large and way too many. Most schools are not air-conditioned. Teachers are fighting poverty, violence, and a host of social ills. How can kids learn in those conditions?  

And then we are going to evaluate teachers and students based on standardized tests. We started using these types of high stake tests way back in the 1980s after the publication of A Nation at Risk. We have spent more than thirty years testing children and beating up teachers about the scores. And look at the wonderful changes such a policy has brought!

If you were ill and your doctor gave you medicine that didn’t help, would you take more of it? If your doctor kept increasing your dose and you felt even worse, what would you conclude? Of course! The medicine is aggravating the problem and we need a different approach. Why can’t policymakers think that way?

Do we build an entire reform system around the few teachers who are below par? What do we do if mass testing is not the answer? Our politicians have failed us. Charter schools and corporate education have created as many problems as they have solved. That is why teacher unions may be our best chance at real educational reform. That is why the Chicago teacher strike was so important.

As a teacher in the only non-union high school district in Illinois, I am not likely to strike. I work at one of the highest achieving and most affluent schools in the country. So I can sit back and let the politicians do what they want and it won’t affect my children or my school. Right?

Wrong. The way we treat teachers is wrong. The way we are using testing is wrong. The way we are approaching educational reform is more than flawed, it has become as much a problem as any of the social ills plaguing Chicago schools.

I salute the unions and hope that this strike will help turn our educational ship on a better heading. If not, education in the United States will continue to develop into a two-tiered system: one for those who can afford better and one for those lost in the tests. And who is going to want to teach or learn in the second system? 

Connecting to Communities

This past weekend, I attended the World Science Fiction Convention in Chicago. I have attended science fiction and Star Trek conventions for more than thirty years and the World Con was an affirmation of how important the science fiction community is to me.

There were thousands of science fiction fans and professionals in attendance. I was struck and amazed, as I had been when I attended my first conventions, by the diversity, openness, and warmth of the con-goers. Every time I go to one of these gatherings, I think to myself, I have found my people.

Science fiction fans aren’t my only community. I love Rosh Hashanah, the first of the High Holidays, because it brings my entire congregation together. We celebrate a service and then kibitz and catch up afterward. It feels like a family reunion. Because of this, the evening of Rosh Hashanah is my favorite holiday. It is a joyous gathering of my congregational community.

These are just two examples of my communities – there are many more. My communities are not merely lists or hobbies. They are multigenerational. They are grounded in real relationships and passions. They are not clubs or cliques but inclusive groups with strong bonds and purposes. And I make a conscious effort to actively support and build them.

How can we help our children connect and create communities?  It is critical that we do so. Kids need to see adults building and supporting communities. Teenagers are naturally self-absorbed. Sometimes, they see themselves as isolated and alone. Other times, they see their groups as threatened rather than enhanced by “rival” groups. While sports teams and organized school activities can create communities for kids, it is just as important that they discover and build them as well. Online connections are shadows of these relationships that work best when they act as stepping-stones toward authentic relationships in the real world.

Human beings are interdependent. As much as we want to be soloists, we are naturally members of an ensemble. We depend on others to create the music and magic with us. Sometimes, we take center stage with the melody but as often we provide harmony in the background. Sometimes, we may forget that the ensemble is behind us, backing us up. Sometimes we need to be reminded. What is really important is the collective act of making the music.

The recent Republican National Convention took its theme in opposition of a statement made by President Obama. The president said, “You didn’t build it,” and the Republicans answered, “We built it.” I am confused because both are correct. No one person stands alone. No Olympic athlete could win without a coach, sponsor, parent or team. Our communities create the conditions for achievement. “You” did not build it. “We” built it - together.

Contrasting the recent political conventions was the awards ceremony at the World Science Fiction Convention. Each person present could participate by voting for the many awards. In order to do so, we read and watched, viewed and enjoyed hundreds of beautiful stories, magazines, books, and other works of art. The ceremony needed no put-downs of other groups. There was no posturing or persuasion. It was our community celebrating what it had created, collectively and individually.  

We must find “our peoples.” We must help our children to find theirs even when they join communities with which we, their parents and teachers, are unfamiliar.

There are myriad of “online communities” and they can be good starts. However, gathering, building, and nourishing the real thing are the keys to human survival – and happiness! 

Take This To College!

I had a magnificent undergraduate college experience and I wish nothing less for my former students, friends and children. But it doesn’t happen automatically. As my elder child and so many of my former students and friends go off to college, I want one more chance to play teacher and provide my college friends with good tools that will make their university experience more productive, safe, and fun.

Health: I know that sleep isn’t the top priority for college kids, but it is the best medicine. Here is an article from the Chicago Tribune on how to keep healthy in college.

Remember that health includes mental as well as physical health. Having someone to talk to is great medicine! Of course, staying fit is part of that. It is all too easy to just eat, sleep, party, and study at college. Get involved in an intramural sport, go to the workout center, or do something that makes you sweat a little. You don’t want those extra pounds!

Finding Answers: There are two blogs that I recommend to all college students: Lifehacker.com and Hackcollege.com. Reading these two sites will save you time, money, and aggravation. Here is a sampling of some recent posting that might interest you:

From Hack College:

Living with a roommate

Money dos and don’ts

Advice on studying abroad

Tips for incoming freshmen

From Lifehacker:

Free software for students

What multitasking does to your brain

How much sleep do you really need?

Better writing through outlining

If you don’t use RSS feeds to follow websites like these, now is a good time to start. Go to Google and sign up for Reader (it is under the “more” tab at the top of the page) and then hit the little “RSS” button and select “Add to Google.” Here is a great video explaining how reader works and how to use it.

Digital Security:  I would like to urge my college friends to be digitally safe. Recently, a Wired magazine staff member had his digital life completely stolen: his Facebook and Goggle accounts were hacked and his iPhone and computer were wiped!  Here is an article on how to avoid his fate. You must turn on two-factor authentication in Facebook and Google. Look at the article I just mentioned if you don’t know what I am talking about – Lifehacker has a good one on this issue, too!

Back up your data! There are easy and automatic ways to back up your computer. Do you want to risk losing all your music, pictures, or work?. There are simple and inexpensive (even free) ways to ensure that, even if you lose your computer, you don’t lose what’s on it. Finally, install some form of antivirus program. Again, there are plenty of free options!  

Relationships: It is all about the people! Get to know your classmates. Look around the dorm: whom do you want in your life in five or ten years. Actively make sure that happens. Introduce yourself to your professors and teachers. Be much more than the kid in the third row! Who will you ask for a recommendation for grad school, a job, or a grant? Do you have go-to staff members? Cultivate those people. Send them a little gift at holiday time. Make sure they know you well enough to greet you by name on the quad! Stay in touch after the class has ended.

Parents: Sometimes, dealing with your parents at home can be challenging. We will have to learn to adjust to your new college life, too. Here is an article you can pass on to your parents that puts things in perspective for them – and it even (nicely) tells them to back off  and let you run the show.

Of course there are many more things I could include, but like the boxes and suitcases that go to college, I don’t want to over pack. Good luck, good skill, and make great choices! I will miss you and I am thinking of you. 

Denying the Drop Off

It happened for the first time a few days ago when I was dropping my daughter off at the train station. As she stepped out of the car to go downtown for her internship, my eyes welled up. All of a sudden, I was fighting back tears.

People have been asking me how will I deal with my daughter’s departure for college. I have been answering honestly: I am in denial. I haven’t been thinking about it. She isn’t leaving now, so I don’t have to face it.

But I do.

This may be the most dramatic transition in our family life to date. Bringing home babies was certainly a big deal. The start of school and the cessation of diapers were landmarks. From my present perspective, they all pale to launching.

After I left for college, I only lived at home for a few weeks once in a while. My parents’ house ceased to be my primary residence, although it was still “home.” I remember my mother’s face when I casually said to her that, “this is probably the last time I’ll spend this much time at home.”

It is my face right now. Intellectually, I understand that my child will only be home during short bursts. We have done that. She has gone away to camp and spent summers overseas and at educational programs. We have more technological tools to communicate than ever before. We’ll talk. We’ll video chat (maybe). We’ll sent text messages and emails. But she still won’t be home. And I am only now starting to fathom the reality of that.

My children and I have a bedtime rituals. I am the last one to get into bed most nights. As my daughter and I said goodnight a few days ago, she asked if she could program a repeating text message. After I danced around the mechanics, I asked her what she wanted to accomplish. She wanted to text me the final part of our evening routine. She wanted to make sure that certain things didn’t change when she went to college.

Yet change is the constant here. My daughter swings between pushing her parents away and wanting to cling closely. When we attended a reception for Chicago area students going to her university, she made it clear that she did not want us shadowing her. In the car ride downtown, she clearly asked for space. Yet, when we got there and I moved across the room, I turned around to see her brush up to her mother and take her hand. It was lovely.

And that may be the metaphor for our transition into this new stage of family life. We will be close and far. We will hold hands across the country. We will adapt our routines.

The family theorist Virginia Satir used the metaphor of the mobile that hangs above an infant’s crib to describe family dynamics. Each member of the family is one of the objects hanging from the mobile. If any of them move or change, it affects the whole system. The family is interdependent in so many ways. My daughter’s departure creates a whole new mobile and a whole new set of relationships.

That is also true for her younger brother at home starting high school. He will be an only child at home for much of his high school career. What does that mean? I have no idea.

Shortly, my wife and I will board a plane and bring our daughter to college. I have no doubt that, after we have schlepped all the baggage up the stairs and waited in long lines, and dusted, cleaned, and unpacked, she will look at us, smile, and let us know it is time for us to leave. And it will be. I’m just not ready. 

Readers Win!

“Reading is everything. Reading makes me fell like I’ve accomplished something, learned something, become a better person. Reading makes me smarter. Reading gives me something to talk about later on. Reading is the unbelievably healthy way my attention deficit disorder medicates itself. Reading is escape, and the opposite of escape; it’s a way to make contact with reality after a day of making things up, and it’s a way of making contact with someone else’s imagination after a day that’s all too real. Reading is grist. Reading is bliss.”  - Nora Ephron

People who love to read have a huge advantage. Fostering a love of reading in children may be one of the greatest gifts parents and teachers can give.

Readers learn important thinking skills. They must be decoders and analyzers. Readers have to make sense of information and discover patterns in it. They must remember details and put them together. Readers learn to look at the big picture and the tiny mosaic tiles that make it up.

Readers must sustain attention. There is an epidemic of attention disorders. While there may be many causes, the fast visual pace of games, movies, television, and websites does not encourage children to focus. Reading does. A child must concentrate for a prolonged period of time to read. Even small children can learn to sit and listen to an adult reading. That is why it is critical that parents read to their children even before these children recognize letters or words. They learn to maintain focus.

Readers live in language. While some backward places are still teaching vocabulary through drills and lists, the current research tells us that, if we want kids to develop their vocabularies, they must read. It is not enough to memorize a word and its definition; there must be some context for that meaning. Meaning disembodied dies.

Years ago, I took over a class that was designed to strengthen students’ vocabularies. The prior teacher had given students dictionaries and had them look up lists of words and memorize them. We refocused the course on reading. The first year I taught the reading based curriculum, kids would identify words from the prior year. “Mr. Hirsch, this word was on the last year’s list!” When I asked them what it meant, they could never remember.

Like music, reading is about decoding and translating. Readers learn to love that process. Although students can get hooked into reading with an interesting topic, many readers will read anything because they like the process of reading! It is better to read something interesting, true, but intense readers will read because the act itself is fulfilling.

Students who look critically at their reading will learn to question, evaluate, and imagine. They realize that there are different ways to see the world and they must find strategies to weigh differing points of view. Readers become critical thinkers!

A study even found that one of the best predictor of student success in school was not parents’ income, level of education, or school quality but the number of books in their homes. My parents’ library was a message and a goal for me. I wanted to be able to read the books my folks were reading. It gives me great pleasure when my children want to read the books on my shelves.

Reading is the primary skill. Reading is the basic foundation of learning and thinking. It cannot be overemphasized. Strong, focused, and critical readers are the real gifted students! 

Put Down the Phone!

Not long ago, I was in an Imax movie and there were several teenage girls sitting next to me. The screen was BIG and the sound was LOUD. It was a very engaging experience. Yet, these girls were texting through it!

I came home to find that my son had a few friends over. They were seated at the kitchen table playing games on their phones. They were in their own worlds. The boys without smart phones were left out and eventually went home.

At my daughter’s college orientation, there were many parents who, despite having traveled to learn about their child’s college, were on their phones throughout important presentations.

Then there are those who cannot put down their phones even when it endangers their own or others’ physical safety. There are far too many drivers with their eyes on their phones instead of the road!  

What is going on here?  Why are we so obsessed with our phones? Why does using our technology supersede all other concerns? We make a statement with our phone use. We tell the people around us what is REALLY important to us.

Here are some my guidelines for smart smart phone use:

1. No use of the phone while driving. Not at stoplights. Not hands free. Not voice command. While I am driving, I drive. If my phone rings and I need to use it, I pull over.

2. I don’t do phone “work” in public amidst social gatherings. If I must send an email or text, I excuse myself and go to a private spot and do my business.

3. I do not use my phone as a toy when I could interact with the people around me. Waiting rooms, airports, and other solitary places are good spots to play games, read newsfeeds, or check websites. If it would be rude to read, it is not okay to use the phone.

4. I think it is acceptable to use my phone as a point of conversation. For example, I may show people photos on my phone or use its resources to find a restaurant, look up the answer to a question raised in conversation, or demonstrate something. In this way, the people around me are sharing my phone.

5. When I am having a phone conversation, I speak more quietly and go to an area away from people having face-to-face conversations.

6. I do not pull out my phone during public performances, presentations, or events. If there is an unavoidable reason to use my phone during a concert, speaker, or movie, I leave the room. And my phone is completely silent from the moment I enter a performance space!

7. The people present may not be ignored. If my phone rings and interrupts a conversation, I treat the people around me with the same respect I would give callers I am about to put on hold – and I do not leave them hanging for long. This is similar to the situation where, when I am talking to someone, my child comes up to me and asks for my attention. It is socially acceptable and appropriate to say to those with whom I am talking, “Excuse me for one minute, my kid needs me. I’ll be right back.”  The key here is that it must be this kind of situation. Which leads me to:

8. I am highly selective about which calls I will take. My default ring tone is silent. Only people I want to hear from are assigned a ringtone. My family and my close friends have individual ringtones. So I know who is calling without looking at my phone and many callers are simply directed to voice mail when I am otherwise engaged.

The big rule is people first, phones fourth.

Whose Backbone Is It Anyway?

Children must learn to make their own decisions. It is perhaps the most critical skill that parents teach. And it must be taught. As any parent will tell you, if given a choice, many children will not take their medicine, wear their seatbelts, or treat their siblings with respect. Making good choices is a learned behavior. 

We are fooled into believing that, as our children get older, they are have mastered this skill. Sometimes we allow children to make poor decisions because we don’t want the hassle that comes with questioning their autonomy. Parents must choose their battles and there are many times that kids’ bad choices are trivial. We must allow kids to experience the consequences of their choices, good and bad. 

Then there are the choices that we cloak in teaching independence that are in fact self-serving cop-outs. Recently a parent proudly bragged that he had given his child the choice of whether or not to continue with Sunday religious school. The child did not want to go any more. Since giving kids a choice and letting them live with their choices was an important value for this parent, he permitted his child to end religious education.

I wondered if he would allow his child the same freedom to drop out of high school? Or not go to the doctor for an illness? Or attend his grandparents’ anniversary party? Or even quit a sports team?

Who is served by this decision? The child will not have to get up early on Sunday – and neither will the parent. The battles over Sunday school will end – and the child will have won. Kids should win some battles, but what which ones – and why?

When parents choose capitulation on important matters, children learn a different lesson. They see that convenience or expedience triumphs over substance. They realize that whining, crying, and other childish tactics are effective. They are empowered and take that power to the next battle. They may take it into their own parenting as well.

Parents must be clear about which issues are worth the fight. Their behavior models adult decision-making. When parents cave on important issues, parents lose their credibility and authority. They risk losing their children’s respect. They become less dependable and more manipulatable.

And there are too many parents who cannot stand up to their children. Clueless wonders and spineless disasters are parenting stereotypes. Whether it is from a desire to be a child’s friend, lack of time, misunderstanding, or misguided principles, every neighborhood has its share of parents who are ruled by their kids.

Raise your hand if you wish your parent had been more forceful about sticking with that musical instrument? As a child, it was difficult and time consuming. Children often avoid challenge. As parents, we must teach them to engage challenge. One of the most important battles I won with my daughter was to keep her playing violin. It taught her how to succeed at a difficult task!

Collaborating with children is a great way to slowly hand over control. Not bargaining or negotiating but talking out the issues and letting kids see adult thinking in action. Kids know when quick and easy has triumphed. Kids understand what it means when their folks can’t or won’t make the tough calls. They call them wimps – and they are!

Adults need to take the long view because children are not capable of it. To surrender these important choices to our children is to fail in our role as a parent. Even if, as children, we didn’t make the right choices, we have an obligation to make sure our children do – especially when these are not the choices they would make themselves! And even more so when these decisions are difficult for us.

Our children are worth it. We owe it to them to have backbone.

Can't Stop the Tweet

For the third year, my English students wrote a tweet at the end of each class session. Some of these tweets summarize what we did. Some capture a specific moment. Others respond to a school event. Some are just fun. I didn’t include all of the tweets my students wrote. If you are interested in seeing the uncut list, go to my online classroom. Here is my 2011-2012 school year in tweets:

• Decode and analyze ideas.

• We read music! Tweeting with Big Bird.

• Fon’t dorget hour yomework!

• Curry with a side of shiny happy purple packet.

• Dashing through college essays. ‘sigh’

• Insider info on college essays from Mr. Shanley.

• Read essays and made funny noises.

• Use quotes like cayenne peppers.

• Learned about RSS and revision.

• I am a more intelligent person because Interpreter of Maladies showed me to show not tell.

• We shared the discussion equally.

• He loves her, he loves her not.

• Became a real durwan.

• Splendid!

• Blots of lack in class.

• Burned some DISCs

• The anvil meets the wordsmith.

• Gifting shears and making A plus essays.

• Shopping at the Lahari buffet.

• Another essay, another drag!

• Switched again!

• How long is the perfect kiss?

• What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?

• We learned of a man who killed his dad and married his mom.

• Purged our emotions of pity and fear: catharsis!

• Got a vision from a blind man!

• Everything's an argument - no it's not.

• Principal Griffith observed class.

• Fate is always a step ahead!

• No sneezing!

• Oedipus is shellfish!

• Roll with the flow!

• We became guinea pigs for Mr. Hirsch's writing throughout the grades experiment.

• Witty tweets and Greek theater (re?) don't mix too easily. So we'll leave it be.

• Commas save lives!

• Oh, man, our futures are in our hands...Don't mess up!

• What's your major?

• Facebook in English!

• Passionate about apple pancakes.

• Act 1, scene 1 will come, but not in one lump slump.

• Shakespeare invented the TV drama teaser; watched start of Hamlet!

• A wedding, funeral, and a ghost?

• Who ya gunna call? The ghost of Hamlet's father!

• Turn the other cheek!

• Hamlet for adulteresses.

• "Awesome discussion!" - Mr. Hirsch

• Define the line!

• To eat or not to eat - that is the question: whether tis nobler to obey the computer lab rules or the pangs and arrows of outrageous hunger.

• Let the games begin!

• Beware of madness when reading Hamlet.

• Revenge is a dish best served cold - but karma can be cruel.

• Hamlet comes to an end.

• Speed dating - LOL!

• Download the argue-o-meter app for the iPhone today!

• Poems, parts, photo, and Santa!

• "Ooh! Everyone is here again for the second day in a row! Let's take another picture!" - Mr. Hirsch

• Poetry out loud!

• We read to a wall.

• One more for posterity.

• I think that I shall never meet a poem lovely as a tweet.

• Finals, finals, finals!!!

• Plagiarism is bad.

• Library database > Google

• Are you reading about a repeatable routine?

• Learned about food blogging!

• Billy Lombardo reads!

• Turnitin.com - we're going paperless!

• English is cool!

• Mountains, daughters, butterflies, cuckoos, and a side of Pi a la mode.

• A case of the Mondays.

• Minimize your screen!

• Do it in four symbols.

• Senioritis... 2 lazy 2 tweet

• Older siblings are usually older.

• In-class essay tomorrow. Do the write thing!

• Getting excited for senior project!

• The answer is 42.

• We had to write a speech!

• As FDR once said, "All we have to fear is fear itself." He forgot about graduation speeches.

• Period 4 is blogging!

• Oh, your left!

• Thanks for flying technology lab!

• On time today!

• Pick a blog, any blog!

• Good thing we learned tweets are less formal than email today.

• Plan your project; piece the puzzle.

• What's the password? (in a Russian accent)

• "Look at me."

• Food free zone!

• Less talk, more research.

• First step: DONE!

• Enjoy prom, but not too much!

• Pigs everywhere!

• Doing something a little more English-y.

• Senior Ditch Day? Please, we're nerds. Senior Elite 2012!

• "Where have all the children gone? " There's 15 computers per kid in this class!

• Wise words regarding Anne.

• Almost done; full speed ahead!

• The end is near!

• We finished our projects!

• Great coffee presentation!

• Just wandering around school, asking people about books.

• Don't try to be great...you are not that special.

• I thankfully appreciate your gratuitous thanks.

• A book you'll love!

A Message to the Grads

I am not a big fan of graduation primarily because I am not good at letting go. I don’t want my students to leave. So, as I listen to commencement addresses (and I have heard many), I find myself composing one last message to my nearly former students.

My primary focus would be simple: the quality of our lives is a function of our relationships. Whether we spend our days in a lab or a theater, an office, or a classroom, ultimately, our connection to people, both those immediately around us and to the larger community, is what will determine both our personal happiness and our contributions to the future. And both are important!

To this end, I would ask the graduates to think about the effect of the work they choose. Mary Pipher, in her book, The Shelter of Each Other, makes the suggestion that young people take a pledge when graduating that they will never do "work that hurts children." She and I both think, "the morality of work is something [students] should consider, that it is a dimension they should evaluate, just as they evaluate pay, benefits and advancement potential." (Pipher 266).

American culture often focuses more on personal happiness than on our relationship, contribution, and obligation to the world around us. While I want my students to be happy, I believe that one important source of that happiness is leading a life of purpose and meaning. If all we want is our own selfish happiness, then what are we? What does that make us? If we cannot reach out to others and find happiness in those connections, then the happiness we find is no more than the selfish highs of substance abuse – and just as destructive.

My friend Michelle and I are speaking at the middle school graduation next month. Our speech has a simple theme: “Say hi in the halls.” Our advice to kids going into high school is to reach out to people: students, teachers, custodians, secretaries, everyone! We will tell them that high school (and life) will be far more successful if you are the one to smile first, put out your hand, and initiate the positive connection.

Of course difficult days are ahead. This is one of the points that CharlesWheelan, a professor at the University of Chicago made in a commencement address at Dartmouth. His talk focused on “the ten things you won’t hear at commencement.” And while I agree with his idea, my focus is more like his first “thing:” “Your time in fraternity basements was well spent.”

All of the items on Professor Wheelan’s list are either connected to relationships or are related to them. For example, while there may be difficult days ahead, our ability to deal with them is a function of the support networks we have woven for ourselves.

Finally, I would thank the graduates for leaving their mark on me. Everyone talks about special teachers who touched our lives. We remember them and honor their influence. Students are just as critical in the shaping of teachers. Teachers carry the lessons from their relationships with students from class to class and year to year. Former students come to mind a dozen times a day. They are with me far more than they will ever realize.

During my last class or two with graduating seniors, I invite them to come back and visit. I tell them they have a standing appointment with me. Whether they come back during their first Thanksgiving break or years after, when the person behind the reception desk asks if anyone is expecting them, the answer will always be, “Yes! Mr. Hirsch is expecting me.” And I am.